transpao: (Default)
2017-06-27 03:27 pm

keep plodding along

So I have continued to take my shots. My fourth shout will be on this coming Thursday. If I take It.

I had a sore throat following the last shot. I got really nervous that my voice was going to drop. I can't begin to let you in on the turmoil that this causes me. I dread speaking. I hate the sound of my own voice. I dread the confusion when someone correctly genders me, and then I open my mouth and they immediately apologize and incorrectly genders me. I hate the occasional look someone gives when they are somehow affronted by my look and voice not corresponding. I hate how it feels to try to figure out if there is any way I can respond non-verbally to someone that wont offend them.

Then on the other hand, my father owns the home I live in. My husband nd I pay only a small sum for rent and utilities. I took in a family that was being evicted. All these people are currently depending on me not pissing my dad off enough to kick us out. While I don't necessarily think he would, you really never can tell how a parent is going to take the whole trans thing.

I have a decision to make again. Only a couple of days until my next shot.

On the normal-ish side of life. I was in an accident. My fault. Insurance Totaled out my car. My fridge died. We were given one. It died. It was fixed. Husband got a new job. Car shopping sucks.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-26 05:20 pm

I lack the courage of my convictions

So here I am. Just over a week on T. I've had a little bottom growth, and pretty much no other symptoms.

I started my cycle yesterday. for the first time in my life I had almost no symptoms. I didn't get incapacitating migraines. So in a way I guess my lack of symptoms is/was a symptom.

It is possible that the depression I have been in for the last few days is associated with my cycle. I hope that is the case, because if they aren't it could be very bad.

I have been increasingly overwhelmed by the thought of coming out, to the point of severe and prolonged panic attacks, followed by deep depression. If I cannot get a handle on this and find a way to live with coming out. I will be forced to go off the testosterone again.

If this is my only option, I am in a very bad way. I don't want to talk about the things going through my head.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-20 11:35 am


So here we are at day 2.

The odd puffy sensation isn't in my face anymore.

I also had some dermatitis that was all over the left side of my chin for the last month or two. It looked like a breakout that would just never go away or come to a head. It has started healing rapidly. Woot!

I think I have some more sensation in my downstairs region, but no growth or increase in drive.

I am so much calmer. I know that is probably due more to me being passed T-day, and less to do with the meds, but I don't care. It's a win.

The only thing left to sort out is all the coming out that will eventually need to happen.

Oh and I can't remember if I mentioned it, but we have a contract on a house. The inspector is scheduled for Tuesday. It is a great little cottage about 10 minutes from my work. I think it will be a wonderful place to build a life.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-19 11:43 am


So I woke up this morning with a puffy face. It was different than what I ha e gotten before in that there was less eye involvement, but more around chin and cheeks. It was not to visible. The second thing I noticed was that my voice keeps catching. It there really isn't any scratchiness or tight feeling.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-18 09:13 pm


I can't believe today Is finally here.

I got my shot.

I can't stop grinning.

I have to figure out telling my doctors. It's a shame I have to worry about that, but it hit me todY when I realized my ruematologist called and I have an appointment Monday.

I also have to figure out how to tell my family, but that is all for later.

Also, our offer was accepted on our house.

I wish I wasn't so tired so I could write more.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-14 08:17 am

Mother's day!

I am so anxious today. I have to go spend lots of time with my family. I am so nervous that I am going to just blurt it out. I have never been very good at keeping secrets.

I definitely do not want to deliver the trans news on Mother's day. I think it would be cruel. I know she was trying for a girl. While I know I was never the daughter she wanted, she only partly gets it.

I just have to keep my mouth shut. I have to watch every word that escapes my lips. No story telling. I get wrapped up in a story and bam! the next thing I know is that I have forgotten there is a part about transness that is essential to the story line. I get left there trying to figure out how to end the story so it makes since and make it the least about anything trans or calling myself male in any way.

Like once I was telling my brother (who I am NOT out)about my friend (who I am out) laughing about me texting him and saying I had to go jump on a mower for the afternoon. my friend replied with something along the lines of you're so Butch. And I laughed and said "Hey gay dudes can be butch, too. My boss is queer as a $3 Bill." I ended up just finishing the story and my brother just stared at me like I had made no since what so ever.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-07 12:29 pm


I am so confused about money.

We need this house to go through.

I need money to start hormones.

I am now really worried I am going to have to put hormones off to make the house happen.

Nine Inch Nails is going over and over in my head. "God money tell me what you want to."

I think I am still going to try to make it work though. See my therapist once every two weeks instead of every week, buy a cheaper house, I gotta figure this out.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-06 08:49 am

comming out.

So now that T is in 12 days. I am very concerned about coming out to my folks. I had wanted to do it, by sending them a copy of an audible book, and a letter. Then afterwards have a talk.

I am afraid if I leave it at a letter it will come off as cowardly. I also know that only about 40% of written content is comprehended, at least on the first go. But I want them to have the letter to re-read, and to prepare themselves.

I want to give them the book, so they know I am not alone, and that there is something actually going on with this whole transgender thing. I want them to hear stories similar to mine. I want them to connect some of the dots. My main concern is not having many trans narratives that are the same as mine. So far they two books I am considering are Raising Ryland: Parenting a transgender child or The Transgender Child. The first is more emotional and written from a parental point of view, where as the second is more clinical and mentions all the stages and may explain my narrative better. I think my dad my be more into The Trans Child, as he is a physician and will like the clinical side. My mom may be more into Raising Ryland. Perhaps I will send different books to each.

I will probably be working on the letter here. It may turn out to be different personalized letters for me.
transpao: (Default)
2017-05-04 06:46 pm

T minus 2 weeks

Holy crap I can't believe it!

So I walked into the clinic today, not knowing what to expect... Walked out an hour and a half later with an appointment to start T in 2 weeks as long as my blood work comes back normal.

I can't even comprehend yet.

There is also a voice in my head yelling about the fact that I haven't come out to my folks, or co-workers.

With work I know my boss has my back, but dunno about everyone else. I don't plan on formally coming out to them though. They will figure it out, ask, or not give a shit; and really I don't care as long as they don't make trouble.

My folks are another story. I've been thinking of giving them the book Raising Ryland. It has it's pluses and it's drawbacks. I've been thinking I am just going to wait until I get on T and tell them, basically by just letting them know "Hey I am on testosterone now" I've also been thinking about just letting them come to me about it, when they eventually notice what's going on.

*Le Sigh*
transpao: (Default)
2017-04-30 06:28 pm

2nd Go

So We put in an offer on another house. I still feel like this is going really rapidly. There is part of me anxious to get it over with, but I also feel like I am rushing.

This house is a lot nicer than the last one. It is newly renovated. However we did notice a pluming leak. We put in the contract that it would need to be fixed. The house has 3 bedrooms and 1.5 baths. It is 5 minutes from my work. The neighborhood is nice, if working class. We are working class so I suppose it fits.

I am anxious we are getting in over our heads. I mean I have crunched the numbers and I think we will be fine. It is going to mean some belt tightening for sure.

In other news, I called the clinic that treats trans people. I could have swore they required one year RLE before they would give hormones, but now I can't find it. Hopefully I will have a gender therapist letter before long.

Speaking of which. I am not sure the guy I am interested in seeing is the therapist I am looking for. He has treated a large number of trans patients, but he doesn't really do evaluations. He may just sign the letter for me. Everything was so new I didn't have the balls to ask about timelines or anything.

I was really looking for someone who could do the eval and see them basically long enough to get on HRT. I felt bad about saying that. I have a therapist that I have worked with for years, and I am happy working with her. She just doesn't feel comfortable signing my letter.

I shaved the girl fuzz of my face again today. It is a decent activity to help me re-center when I am feeling dysphoric. It makes me feel a bit stupid after, but it's kinda all I got right now.
transpao: (Default)
2017-04-29 01:59 pm


So we thought we found a house. Well we did find one. We put in an offer on it, and the following day promptly decided we didn't like it. We went back to see it on a sunny day and I saw a lot more issues I hadn't seen before.

So We will be heading out tomorrow to look for another house.

I mean the first one is an option if the lady comes down 30K on the price. and/or decides she will fix everything to code before we buy it.

transpao: (Default)
2017-04-25 07:45 pm

feeling really dysphoric

So I just shaved my face.

All I have is girl fuzz. I don't even have the kind a Mustaches that Girls get.

I just need something.

I am done with this body the way it is. It can't give me a child. It is weak. I feel like I can't do my job as well as I know this body can. I just need T.

I had the urge to cut off my chest today. I mean I didn't do anything. I just had the urge. I joke about cutting it off all the time, but this time was a real urge.
transpao: (Default)
2017-04-24 08:06 pm
Entry tags:

Two Super huge things happened today.

! I put in an offer on the house we loved from the showings yesterday. IF it gets accepted, we close On June 5th. OMG this is happening super fast.

I came out to my boss today. Basically I blurted it out, because I was asking how to deal with a guy who is constantly making reference to my gender. It is like every few sentences he has to say Ma'am, girl, lady, baby, sweetie. I was trying to decide if I was being over sensitive, or if the guy was out of line. he doesn't do it maliciously. he always apologizes if I call him on it. He has bad memory issues. I try to be understanding, but it gets really annoying because it never stops.
transpao: (Default)
2017-04-24 02:30 am

I think we may have found our house.

I am so excited. The last house we looked at yesterday was pretty much perfect for us. It is listed as a 2/1, but has a small bonus room with a closet that could be W's room.

The only major issues are that the place currently has a tenet. He is on Month to month, but I still feel bad kicking someone out to buy the place.

The other problem is that central AC doesn't work, But honestly I think we can live with that.
transpao: (Default)
2017-04-22 07:23 pm


I am so not stoked about my new meds.

On the one hand the agitation makes me motivated to do shit.
On the other it makes me totally unable to focus and feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack.

I am hoping it is just something I need to weather.

But it has been over a week now and I am just as bad as the at I started it.

Maybe I should have just waited on seeing if T helped my moods.
transpao: (Default)
2017-04-22 11:11 am
Entry tags:

So here is my first entry on a new platform.

Wow. It is nice to know there is a more open place to put my old journal. It really does mean a lot to me. I also need a new outlet. This looks promising. I wish I could import my Wordpress blog. Might have to do that by hand. It would be nice to have it all in one place.

I am at a place where I am looking to start Testosterone. I have called the gender therapist in my area. I hope I have enough history to make it a quick thing. I mean I wish my current therapist I have been seeing for 10 years felt comfortable with writing the letter. She knows more about me than almost anyone. She just isn't a gender specialist, and feels like she can't make the evaluation.

I called the local informed consent clinic. They have been without a coordinator for months, but didn't bother putting that on the website. There is another that only requires RLE, but it is hard to have RLE when you are 5'2 and look and sound so much like a girl. I've told my partner and a lot of my friends. I plan on coming out to my parents after I get on hormones. I am not sure I will ever tell my coworkers. They can figure it out for themselves, or they can say something, but I don't see a need to bring it up.

I am sorta holding on to the hope that I can have a genetic child. But I think I have to start hormones first. I am scared to at 35, but we don't have the IVF money yet, and the docs say it is the only way. I might come off of T to gestate if my partner gets a job that pays for IVF. But that is all in the future, and right now I am so dysphoric.

I hope anyone that happens to read my journal enjoys it. I am not very good at ending post. So um... there.
transpao: (Default)
2013-03-10 04:12 am

"Goodbye Cruel world"

This Journal is now going mostly Friends-Only. Sorry to all the very nice anonymous folks out there, but due to some RL craziness it's become important for me to know who's reading. I'll still post some things public but mostly it will be take action kinda stuff...

Your welcome to Comment and ask to be friended.

Scroll down to read the non-friends-only posts.
transpao: (Default)
2012-06-09 08:53 pm

I need school help bad please please please help!

Hi everyone I need your help with a class assignment! I need 10 people to complete this please.

Please read the following statement and tell me A: 3 things you like about the idea. B. 3 things that would make it better, C. do you think the idea is feasible?

Mr. Crabapple is interested in starting a collectables business. His focus will be on Autographs, Rare books, and Coins. He has an extensive collection of items in the focus category and has many years of personal experience of buying, selling and trading these items. The target market would be collectors and fans alike. He would like to sell via the internet and have a brick and mortar store.

DUE TOMORROW! I need 30 people to complete this please, unless you completed the other survey.

Mr. Crabapple is interested in starting a collectables business. His focus will be on Autographs, Rare books, and Coins. He has an extensive collection of items in the focus category and has many years of personal experience of buying, selling and trading these items. The target market would be collectors and fans alike. He would like to sell via the internet and have a brick and mortar store.

How likely would you be to buy the product or service described above?
______ Definitely would buy
______ Probably would buy
______ Might or might not buy
______ Probably would not buy
______ Definitely would not buy
Additional questions may be added to the buying intentions survey.
transpao: (Default)
2012-05-06 09:03 pm

Anyof my friend know anything about realestate?

Li and I have found a wonderful house that we were so excited to see was back on the market May 1st according to the listing. The listing has been updated every day, and the date changed but not much else.

We went over to see the house an feel in love. It is WAY better in person then in the pictures. I mean WAY better. Thing is we went back again to see it in full daylight on Saturday. There was a truck in the drive, so Li went up and asked if we could walk around. Whereupon he was informed that the person in the house owned the home and that she had closed the previous Monday... The day the house went back up on the market.

Li said she didn't give him a good impression and by some of her body movements he thinks she was lying. I don't know what to think. The listing still says "pending" but it keeps updating that it is back on the market. I am so confused.

Also does anyone know a way to find out online if a property allows poultry or livestock? This one has a fantastic barn, but is right next to a new development subdivision.
transpao: (Default)
2012-04-20 09:20 pm

Gardening, work struggles, school... you know stuff and things.

So my blueberries, and raspberries are already setting fruit. I haven't really even started on planting or germinating yet.(ok I did try a small germinating experiment a couple weeks ago with like 4 year old seeds, but nothing survived) But I did purchase the Garden Starter for my Aerogrow, and I'm determined to get it set up this weekend.

For those of you unfamiliar with it, the Aerogrow is this:

The Garden starter is this:

I hear that it starts plants of really quickly, and I've been warned from the interwebs that you shouldn't start plants as early as you normally would indoors in it, so I am hoping that it will help me catch up. I also hope that this year's garden wont be as expensive as in the past, with my new pal.

I am also curious if I have any friends that would like to get together for a gardening group. I think it would be great fun to set up a day once a week or so where we all go over to each others house's and help out with the gardening tasks. I dunno it sounds fun to me.

As for work... A few months ago my dad gave me a job working in his medical lab. It's been... Interesting. But, he's paying me well and it's great to have a job again. I'm working with some guys who've worked with my dad since I was a kid. I mean one of them I used to walk up his legs and do back flips... little kid. It's so strange working with them as an adult. You learn so much about people.

School's been a battle too. I've had to drop all but one class, again. One I had to drop because the prof. Wouldn't let me make up a test the week I was in the hospital, even after I showed documentation. Then the other one I dropped because I couldn't keep up with it after the tornado hit our house. Mostly my brain was just too fried.

But in Way better school news... I have an appointment with the Interdisciplinary studies adviser at KSU on Monday. They have a program that is almost tailor made for the classes I have already taken. I mean it's kinda creepy, but way AWESOME! Wish me luck.