transpao

Processing

Sat, 30 Apr 2022 03:54:59 GMT

So here I am 5 years on T. Living as male. My Drivers license changed. My passport changed. Top surgery happened in March 2021. My bottom dysphoria is intense and frustrating. Yet when I started persuing it in full I couldn't let go of trying to have a biological kiddo. A lot of it has to do with losing Matt, and the way all that went down. And the other children in my life that always seem to be taken away for idiot reasons, or always have that threat looming. I know having a kid of my own wont bring Matt back. It wont change any of the other storylines either. And even if they are my kid there is always a risk of losing them.

I also really want a chance to raise a child guided with my values. I see so many people having kids that really shouldn't, and conservatives are pumping them out left and right. The people actualy thinking about whether or not they should have children, aren't the folx that are. The queer and trans folx are probably having mor ekids then evver before, but it is still a tiny number to the hate and fearmongers breading little clones.

Lastly I am afraid of dying with no family left. I am the youngest of my family of origon. My parents are becoming elderly. My middle brother has 3 children. I try to stay in touch. I buy presents for Christmas and Birthdays. The thing is with my brother's instance that they can't know about transness and that they must continue to call me Aunt. It makes it difficult to visit or go into public with them. They are confused, I am deeply hurting, I can't explain anything and My brother wont. I love them and hope they all one day come to understand, but the distance and the way they are being raised likely means we will not be close.

MY spouse and I are now divorced. He never came to Colorado. He didn't even communicate to facilitate the divorce. I had to file and push it all on my own. While that makes things harder in some ways, it freed things up in others. I would not have been able to persue parenthood at all if I had stayed in the strange limbo marriage.

Friend relationships in my life have proved tenuious. I find it very difficult to meet others. I seem to be able to strike up surface level friendships, but find few people I am really compatible with long haul. I miss deep and abiding friendships. Friends you can share everything with. Then again a lot of those "friends" I thought I had in the past turned out to not really be. Honestly, I don't really have any friends who are into the geeky stuff I am. I keep trying to get a few of them into things like Pratchett, StarTrek and Dr. Who, but they say they will read or watch and then never do.

Jeez I sound really lonely. I dunno, maybe I am.

I want a reason to celebrate holidays again.

On the other side though there are so so so many reasons not to do this...

I barely make enough to support myself in this rediculously expensive area. I picked a field where it is increasingly likely I will never even reach comfertable. My current boss seems to think I am a twat and I make the least of anyone on my crew even though I have the most experiance. The job is a dead end, but I am scared to death of leaving because of having to come out again or be stealth or figure it all out.

I got lectured already about missing too many days even though I have documentation most of it has been for doctors visits.

The shitty position at work makes it real hard to even think about telling my boss that I wont be able to spray herbicide or do a lot of my job just for 9 months.

I am only out to like 10 people at work. How in the world am I going to deal with being pregnant and a guy?

Being of of testosterone is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. The dysphoria fight is intense. My mental health has tanked. my mood diorder seems to be slowly creeping back in.

A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with my second superficial blood clot most likely due to estrogen. treatment has been put on pause until I can see a hematologist. More wasted cycles.

The already really bothersom breast tissue that was left behind because of the type of top surgery I had has swollen up and makes me look like I have small breasts. The fat has all shifted back to pre-t locations. I have gained weight, and lost all my muscle tone. I am finding it miserable to try and date. How can I posibly expect to attract gay men and straight women when I am so deeply uncomfertable with my body.

I AM SCARED, LIKE UTTERLY terrified of being a solo parent.

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Life: What a fucking ride.

Mon, 21 Feb 2022 16:35:20 GMT

So this was the last time I tried to re-start this journal. I have no idea how long ago I started this. But posting it. Maybe I will make a serial about what has happened over the last few years:

So I hardly know where to start. So much has happened since my last post. I guess this is yet another attempt at rekindling something I think is going to help me. IN a way my life is full of new beginnings right now. Maybe that is where to start, and I can fill you in on details as needed.

So a lot of what is going on started around the midterm elections. Well, you could say it started around the 2016 election, but more recently it started with the mid-terms. I was deeply devastated to see that the state I was living in went red. I mean it wasn't a huge surprise, but the guy we got was pretty fucking shit. Combined with the Red congress and derpy for president, little old trans pansexual polyamorous me felt super unsafe. Then I find out that Colorado, a place I have loved since vacationing when I was in middle school, Elected a gay Governor, passed non-binary designation on Drivers licenses, and all in all sounded like a breath of fresh safer air. So I hatched a plan.

Yous see it turns out I had a couple friends who felt the same way. One could go remote with his job, so he just found an apartment and moved.The second friend found a job super quick and moved as well. Then I was offered a job.

The only trouble lay in that my partner hadn't found a job. He was making excellent money at his current job. He was also working massive amounts of overtime and we almost never saw each other.

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Have you always been a man or are you becoming one?

Fri, 17 Aug 2018 22:42:18 GMT

Well I don't know. I could give the carbon copy answer that "something was different" but at least as a child I didn't associate it with my gender. I had a strong dislike for dresses and frills. For my 7 or 8th birthday I asked for barbies and hot wheels. (The barbies spent all their time naked in bed together) I wondered why my friends, even though less conventionally attractive always seemed to get male attention. I always felt frumpy next to my female friends. I wondered from a young age if I was gay. But I never had anything close to the thought "I'm really a boy" Even after coming out as bi and somehow becoming the school "Lesbian" I joked about penises being weird. I did long to get my girlfriend pregnant. I bristled when anyone suggested I wasn't the more masculine of us even while claiming lipstick lesbian. I have pretty much only ever been attracted to queer men. I had episodes of what i consider now to be dysphoria from about 14, however I associated it more with feeling a lack of safety after a traumatic event. I relished in a high-school friend saying I had the biggest "proverbial balls" of anyone he knew. I tried out for the roll of Tybolt for the production of Romeo and Juliette. I was pretty bummed to get Lady Capulet instead.

Then in the later years of my high-school I had a friend do a tarot reading. When this friend said something akin to "you have a more masculine spirit" I was all "Hell yeah" inside.

Then about a year latter I met my first transguy through my girlfriend. I can't say it was a super positive experience, but that is totally outside the guy being trans. Later I sat down with my girlfriend and asked her questions. The main one was why? Why would anyone transition? Being a believer in reincarnation, I just figured I was supposed to learn something from being a "girl". But as we talked and she enlightened me to some new vocabulary. It felt like a lightbulb went off when she mentioned being bi-gendered. So for a long time I adopted this as my personal label, but only told a few people.

As I began to explore male me... he got bigger and bigger. After a while I decided that I must have multiple personality or DID. When I presented as male or felt male I would find myself increasingly dysphoric about my natal body. I would research STP's and GCS, and tell myself that "girl" me would be so pissed off if I ever went through with it.

Then a few years ago it began to dawn on me that maybe I was just a transguy using the bi-gendered label to resist transition. That maybe I was just saying I was a girl when I wasn't acutely experiencing dysphoria.

Now I find myself uncomfortable using bi-gendered. Not sure I accept FtM. (or maybe I feel I don't deserve that label) I don't jive with non-binary. I am deeply uncomfortable with my mom thinking of me as formerly her daughter.

I long for a manly chest. I long for a penis of my own. I am taking Testosterone, and pretty happy with it.

Again with the I don't know.

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In memorium

Mon, 23 Jul 2018 03:22:38 GMT

There was this kid. They were amazing.

A little back ground. I met their mother back in the day. We became good friends. She had a a tiny baby. I cared for this tiny child whenever the mother and I were together. this was almost constantly. After a car accident I started living with the family. I became the kids live in care giver. I changed diapers, I clothed and fed them. I put them to bed. I woke up with them. after nine months the tension among me and the mother became to great for me to continue living there. After a few months I made up with the mom primarily so I could see the kid again.

I remember walking through the door and they ran to me yelling "I knew you'd come back."

I lived apart from them, but continued a relationship. A year or two later I again became the kids care giver. this lasted many months. and I cherished each day.

After a while I became consumed by a dark depression. I even informed the mother of how deep and miserable it was while holding the kids brother. We were friends after all. this was fine and we talked a long time. I finished out my day with the kids.

The weekend came. I got in a huge fight with my dad's girlfriend. I went over to my friends house. They consoled me and I went home. Things became much worse. I called my friend and she said I could stay with them. That I was family. She promised she would come back to get me in 30 minutes. But through her own words she said she got sidetracked and didn't return.

Something happened while she was gone. No one knows exactly what. But the result was that I decided that I couldn't go on. My mother found me. I was rushed to the ER. my recovery was long. I spent a lot of time in ICU. when I was out and into a regular room. They brought the kid to see me. I found out later that they had brought the kid to the ER. and that they had explained to a 5 year old what Suicide was. Then after all this: While recovering in the hospital the mother called and said I would never be able to see the kids again.

I only saw them once after that. The dad allowed me to come by on his weekend after they divorced. I learned the following day the mother blew her lid and threatened to kill me for seeing the kids. The dad explained that The Kid had run and hid frightened that they had caused all this. I made a vow to not try to see them anymore to avoid any further trauma in there lives.

I hoped and prayed that The Kid would remember me. That one day we would see each other again.

I kept crayon drawings The Kid made for me while I was in the hospital. One day many years later one of those drawings that was so precious to me, had something spilled on it. I was deviated. and breaking my vow not to contact The kid. I wrote them a message on FB. I knew they were nearing 18. I wanted them to know I still cared.

A few weeks after The Mother Messages me and explodes.

I didn't try to contact them again.

I regret that with everything in me. I checked in occasionally with The kids FB. Found out they were Trans. I longed to message my support and love. but I held back because I didn't want to make trouble for them.

Today after a long time I checked in again. The FB page is now a remembrance page. I found out that the family used the birth name and assigned gender for the memorial and obituary.

And I will never see The kid again.

I am devastated.

I could have helped. I could have been a support. Maybe things wouldn't have turned out any differently, but we will never know now.

Matt you have been and always will be missed. I will never hear Magic Dance the same again.

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Lost at sea

Fri, 04 May 2018 10:01:04 GMT

So much has happened since I last posted. I will try and update in the future.

Right now just life.

Coming out sux.

Cispeople not even trying to understand.

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keep plodding along

Tue, 27 Jun 2017 20:17:08 GMT

So I have continued to take my shots. My fourth shout will be on this coming Thursday. If I take It.

I had a sore throat following the last shot. I got really nervous that my voice was going to drop. I can't begin to let you in on the turmoil that this causes me. I dread speaking. I hate the sound of my own voice. I dread the confusion when someone correctly genders me, and then I open my mouth and they immediately apologize and incorrectly genders me. I hate the occasional look someone gives when they are somehow affronted by my look and voice not corresponding. I hate how it feels to try to figure out if there is any way I can respond non-verbally to someone that wont offend them.

Then on the other hand, my father owns the home I live in. My husband nd I pay only a small sum for rent and utilities. I took in a family that was being evicted. All these people are currently depending on me not pissing my dad off enough to kick us out. While I don't necessarily think he would, you really never can tell how a parent is going to take the whole trans thing.

I have a decision to make again. Only a couple of days until my next shot.

On the normal-ish side of life. I was in an accident. My fault. Insurance Totaled out my car. My fridge died. We were given one. It died. It was fixed. Husband got a new job. Car shopping sucks.

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I lack the courage of my convictions

Fri, 26 May 2017 21:37:30 GMT

So here I am. Just over a week on T. I've had a little bottom growth, and pretty much no other symptoms.

I started my cycle yesterday. for the first time in my life I had almost no symptoms. I didn't get incapacitating migraines. So in a way I guess my lack of symptoms is/was a symptom.

It is possible that the depression I have been in for the last few days is associated with my cycle. I hope that is the case, because if they aren't it could be very bad.

I have been increasingly overwhelmed by the thought of coming out, to the point of severe and prolonged panic attacks, followed by deep depression. If I cannot get a handle on this and find a way to live with coming out. I will be forced to go off the testosterone again.

If this is my only option, I am in a very bad way. I don't want to talk about the things going through my head.

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T+2

Sat, 20 May 2017 15:46:20 GMT

So here we are at day 2.

The odd puffy sensation isn't in my face anymore.

I also had some dermatitis that was all over the left side of my chin for the last month or two. It looked like a breakout that would just never go away or come to a head. It has started healing rapidly. Woot!

I think I have some more sensation in my downstairs region, but no growth or increase in drive.

I am so much calmer. I know that is probably due more to me being passed T-day, and less to do with the meds, but I don't care. It's a win.

The only thing left to sort out is all the coming out that will eventually need to happen.

Oh and I can't remember if I mentioned it, but we have a contract on a house. The inspector is scheduled for Tuesday. It is a great little cottage about 10 minutes from my work. I think it will be a wonderful place to build a life.

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T+1

Fri, 19 May 2017 16:17:10 GMT

So I woke up this morning with a puffy face. It was different than what I ha e gotten before in that there was less eye involvement, but more around chin and cheeks. It was not to visible. The second thing I noticed was that my voice keeps catching. It there really isn't any scratchiness or tight feeling.

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T-day

Fri, 19 May 2017 01:17:50 GMT

I can't believe today Is finally here.

I got my shot.

I can't stop grinning.

I have to figure out telling my doctors. It's a shame I have to worry about that, but it hit me todY when I realized my ruematologist called and I have an appointment Monday.

I also have to figure out how to tell my family, but that is all for later.

Also, our offer was accepted on our house.

I wish I wasn't so tired so I could write more.

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Mother's day!

Sun, 14 May 2017 12:29:27 GMT

I am so anxious today. I have to go spend lots of time with my family. I am so nervous that I am going to just blurt it out. I have never been very good at keeping secrets.

I definitely do not want to deliver the trans news on Mother's day. I think it would be cruel. I know she was trying for a girl. While I know I was never the daughter she wanted, she only partly gets it.

I just have to keep my mouth shut. I have to watch every word that escapes my lips. No story telling. I get wrapped up in a story and bam! the next thing I know is that I have forgotten there is a part about transness that is essential to the story line. I get left there trying to figure out how to end the story so it makes since and make it the least about anything trans or calling myself male in any way.

Like once I was telling my brother (who I am NOT out)about my friend (who I am out) laughing about me texting him and saying I had to go jump on a mower for the afternoon. my friend replied with something along the lines of you're so Butch. And I laughed and said "Hey gay dudes can be butch, too. My boss is queer as a $3 Bill." I ended up just finishing the story and my brother just stared at me like I had made no since what so ever.

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money

Sun, 07 May 2017 17:43:58 GMT

I am so confused about money.

We need this house to go through.

I need money to start hormones.

I am now really worried I am going to have to put hormones off to make the house happen.

Nine Inch Nails is going over and over in my head. "God money tell me what you want to."

I think I am still going to try to make it work though. See my therapist once every two weeks instead of every week, buy a cheaper house, I gotta figure this out.

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comming out.

Sat, 06 May 2017 13:11:09 GMT

So now that T is in 12 days. I am very concerned about coming out to my folks. I had wanted to do it, by sending them a copy of an audible book, and a letter. Then afterwards have a talk.

I am afraid if I leave it at a letter it will come off as cowardly. I also know that only about 40% of written content is comprehended, at least on the first go. But I want them to have the letter to re-read, and to prepare themselves.

I want to give them the book, so they know I am not alone, and that there is something actually going on with this whole transgender thing. I want them to hear stories similar to mine. I want them to connect some of the dots. My main concern is not having many trans narratives that are the same as mine. So far they two books I am considering are Raising Ryland: Parenting a transgender child or The Transgender Child. The first is more emotional and written from a parental point of view, where as the second is more clinical and mentions all the stages and may explain my narrative better. I think my dad my be more into The Trans Child, as he is a physician and will like the clinical side. My mom may be more into Raising Ryland. Perhaps I will send different books to each.

I will probably be working on the letter here. It may turn out to be different personalized letters for me.

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T minus 2 weeks

Thu, 04 May 2017 22:54:22 GMT

Holy crap I can't believe it!

So I walked into the clinic today, not knowing what to expect... Walked out an hour and a half later with an appointment to start T in 2 weeks as long as my blood work comes back normal.

I can't even comprehend yet.

There is also a voice in my head yelling about the fact that I haven't come out to my folks, or co-workers.

With work I know my boss has my back, but dunno about everyone else. I don't plan on formally coming out to them though. They will figure it out, ask, or not give a shit; and really I don't care as long as they don't make trouble.

My folks are another story. I've been thinking of giving them the book Raising Ryland. It has it's pluses and it's drawbacks. I've been thinking I am just going to wait until I get on T and tell them, basically by just letting them know "Hey I am on testosterone now" I've also been thinking about just letting them come to me about it, when they eventually notice what's going on.

*Le Sigh*

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2nd Go

Sun, 30 Apr 2017 22:43:06 GMT

So We put in an offer on another house. I still feel like this is going really rapidly. There is part of me anxious to get it over with, but I also feel like I am rushing.

This house is a lot nicer than the last one. It is newly renovated. However we did notice a pluming leak. We put in the contract that it would need to be fixed. The house has 3 bedrooms and 1.5 baths. It is 5 minutes from my work. The neighborhood is nice, if working class. We are working class so I suppose it fits.

I am anxious we are getting in over our heads. I mean I have crunched the numbers and I think we will be fine. It is going to mean some belt tightening for sure.

In other news, I called the clinic that treats trans people. I could have swore they required one year RLE before they would give hormones, but now I can't find it. Hopefully I will have a gender therapist letter before long.

Speaking of which. I am not sure the guy I am interested in seeing is the therapist I am looking for. He has treated a large number of trans patients, but he doesn't really do evaluations. He may just sign the letter for me. Everything was so new I didn't have the balls to ask about timelines or anything.

I was really looking for someone who could do the eval and see them basically long enough to get on HRT. I felt bad about saying that. I have a therapist that I have worked with for years, and I am happy working with her. She just doesn't feel comfortable signing my letter.

I shaved the girl fuzz of my face again today. It is a decent activity to help me re-center when I am feeling dysphoric. It makes me feel a bit stupid after, but it's kinda all I got right now.

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Houses

Sat, 29 Apr 2017 18:05:50 GMT

So we thought we found a house. Well we did find one. We put in an offer on it, and the following day promptly decided we didn't like it. We went back to see it on a sunny day and I saw a lot more issues I hadn't seen before.

So We will be heading out tomorrow to look for another house.

I mean the first one is an option if the lady comes down 30K on the price. and/or decides she will fix everything to code before we buy it.

*sigh*

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feeling really dysphoric

Wed, 26 Apr 2017 20:32:34 GMT

So I just shaved my face.

All I have is girl fuzz. I don't even have the kind a Mustaches that Girls get.

I just need something.

I am done with this body the way it is. It can't give me a child. It is weak. I feel like I can't do my job as well as I know this body can. I just need T.

I had the urge to cut off my chest today. I mean I didn't do anything. I just had the urge. I joke about cutting it off all the time, but this time was a real urge.

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Two Super huge things happened today.

Tue, 25 Apr 2017 00:12:12 GMT

! I put in an offer on the house we loved from the showings yesterday. IF it gets accepted, we close On June 5th. OMG this is happening super fast.

I came out to my boss today. Basically I blurted it out, because I was asking how to deal with a guy who is constantly making reference to my gender. It is like every few sentences he has to say Ma'am, girl, lady, baby, sweetie. I was trying to decide if I was being over sensitive, or if the guy was out of line. he doesn't do it maliciously. he always apologizes if I call him on it. He has bad memory issues. I try to be understanding, but it gets really annoying because it never stops.

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I think we may have found our house.

Mon, 24 Apr 2017 06:34:36 GMT

I am so excited. The last house we looked at yesterday was pretty much perfect for us. It is listed as a 2/1, but has a small bonus room with a closet that could be W's room.

The only major issues are that the place currently has a tenet. He is on Month to month, but I still feel bad kicking someone out to buy the place.

The other problem is that central AC doesn't work, But honestly I think we can live with that.

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Meds

Sat, 22 Apr 2017 23:23:56 GMT

I am so not stoked about my new meds.

On the one hand the agitation makes me motivated to do shit.
On the other it makes me totally unable to focus and feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack.

I am hoping it is just something I need to weather.

But it has been over a week now and I am just as bad as the at I started it.

Maybe I should have just waited on seeing if T helped my moods.

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So here is my first entry on a new platform.

Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:02:55 GMT

Wow. It is nice to know there is a more open place to put my old journal. It really does mean a lot to me. I also need a new outlet. This looks promising. I wish I could import my Wordpress blog. Might have to do that by hand. It would be nice to have it all in one place.

I am at a place where I am looking to start Testosterone. I have called the gender therapist in my area. I hope I have enough history to make it a quick thing. I mean I wish my current therapist I have been seeing for 10 years felt comfortable with writing the letter. She knows more about me than almost anyone. She just isn't a gender specialist, and feels like she can't make the evaluation.

I called the local informed consent clinic. They have been without a coordinator for months, but didn't bother putting that on the website. There is another that only requires RLE, but it is hard to have RLE when you are 5'2 and look and sound so much like a girl. I've told my partner and a lot of my friends. I plan on coming out to my parents after I get on hormones. I am not sure I will ever tell my coworkers. They can figure it out for themselves, or they can say something, but I don't see a need to bring it up.

I am sorta holding on to the hope that I can have a genetic child. But I think I have to start hormones first. I am scared to at 35, but we don't have the IVF money yet, and the docs say it is the only way. I might come off of T to gestate if my partner gets a job that pays for IVF. But that is all in the future, and right now I am so dysphoric.

I hope anyone that happens to read my journal enjoys it. I am not very good at ending post. So um... there.

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