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Long winter nights
Dec. 7th, 2002 07:19 pmit's chilly in my apartment right now. It seems the only warm place is under my covers, or actually under the garfield cover Ila lent me because I don't have any real ones of my own. But beyond physical I feel child to the soul. It is so difficult to get excited anymore. The dreams I have are like distant memories; far to far away and unchangeable.
It seems as if the good news blends with the bad and the gray days turn into cold nights. The continuous effort to throw back the covers in the morning, or afternoon, or night, is so daunting.
I am in desperate need of money right now. I am $30 shy on my rent. and I had to ask my father for it today. He will put it into my account by monday. *sigh* But that still doesn't cover power or food. I need a job. I hate to ask my parents because I know they really don't have it. But I am so afraid of a job... they always take so much from my soul and rarely give anything back. I more often then not go in search of death within a month of starting it. I'm going to fill out the loan forms and that judeo-christian holiday is coming up very soon and I should get a bit of money from it. I also sold my calculator to my roommate and she will pay me thursday. The only problem is I didn't have the balls to actually ask for a set price and I just told her to give me what she thought was good. I'm such a wuss. I also have that damn bike I bought. I've ridden it twice, it squeaks and I don't know how to make it stop, and frankly I'm just not in shape for it any more... I'm going to try to sell it. So I should have some coming in soon, but the next few days are going to suck. we are low on groceries, and when I say I'm broke I mean I took my bottle of change down to the machine yesterday and I'm still $30 shy of rent. I have also quite buying cigs until I have a steady supply of money. so I haven't had a cig since yesterday at about 3pm. It's good for me. Although not having them just makes me realize how addicted I am, and I swore I wouldn't get addicted. But they money isn't going to show up for a while so I guess I bum when someone is around or I quit. I know the admirable thing to do would be to quite but yeah...
My father called to tell me there are problems between he and my mother of the 'agreements' of the divorce. We all know that if they let it go through the courts the likelihood that they will be as generous as my dad is currently being is very slim, especially since my father has a very good lawyer and my mother has well I hate to say it but a "rent-a-lawyer."
I worry over them. My mother whines about being lonely a lot. I am sure she is, but I have a hard time feeling compassion for her. I hate that I am like that. It makes me angry at myself. And I know they did the best they knew how, and I know it wasn't easy, and yadda yadda... but there is a lot of time, and I lot of harsh words that need forgiving. I am trying. And I think I have forgiven for the most part, but the compassion is gone. I'm not angry anymore, but I'm not about too sit and listen to someone whine about being lonely when they sent the last seven years leaving us. I'm not about to listen to someone whine about getting beaten up, when she would watch as her flesh and blood children got beaten. See... I shouldn't be talking like this... *sigh*
I looked up the application and information about Tulane University, today. I need to get several A's and get my GPA higher so I know that I can get in w/o a problem. And if I could get in with scholarships that's even better. The tuition is about um 5 times what I'm paying here. But it's a very good school and it is in New Orleans and It would be a change of pace, I would be truly striking out, truly going in search of that missing piece. But I have to find the money somewhere before I can even think of it. I need a job... but the major problem with having the money from a job is that It's so hard to live on rice and tomato soup when you don't have too.
I've been cleaning my room for a week now. I suppose I do a little bit every day. I can finally say I've dented it. I have managed to get my bed clean, and my desk clean, now all that's left are the floor, the bathroom, and the closet. I guess that is probably what I will do as soon as I post this.
It seems as if the good news blends with the bad and the gray days turn into cold nights. The continuous effort to throw back the covers in the morning, or afternoon, or night, is so daunting.
I am in desperate need of money right now. I am $30 shy on my rent. and I had to ask my father for it today. He will put it into my account by monday. *sigh* But that still doesn't cover power or food. I need a job. I hate to ask my parents because I know they really don't have it. But I am so afraid of a job... they always take so much from my soul and rarely give anything back. I more often then not go in search of death within a month of starting it. I'm going to fill out the loan forms and that judeo-christian holiday is coming up very soon and I should get a bit of money from it. I also sold my calculator to my roommate and she will pay me thursday. The only problem is I didn't have the balls to actually ask for a set price and I just told her to give me what she thought was good. I'm such a wuss. I also have that damn bike I bought. I've ridden it twice, it squeaks and I don't know how to make it stop, and frankly I'm just not in shape for it any more... I'm going to try to sell it. So I should have some coming in soon, but the next few days are going to suck. we are low on groceries, and when I say I'm broke I mean I took my bottle of change down to the machine yesterday and I'm still $30 shy of rent. I have also quite buying cigs until I have a steady supply of money. so I haven't had a cig since yesterday at about 3pm. It's good for me. Although not having them just makes me realize how addicted I am, and I swore I wouldn't get addicted. But they money isn't going to show up for a while so I guess I bum when someone is around or I quit. I know the admirable thing to do would be to quite but yeah...
My father called to tell me there are problems between he and my mother of the 'agreements' of the divorce. We all know that if they let it go through the courts the likelihood that they will be as generous as my dad is currently being is very slim, especially since my father has a very good lawyer and my mother has well I hate to say it but a "rent-a-lawyer."
I worry over them. My mother whines about being lonely a lot. I am sure she is, but I have a hard time feeling compassion for her. I hate that I am like that. It makes me angry at myself. And I know they did the best they knew how, and I know it wasn't easy, and yadda yadda... but there is a lot of time, and I lot of harsh words that need forgiving. I am trying. And I think I have forgiven for the most part, but the compassion is gone. I'm not angry anymore, but I'm not about too sit and listen to someone whine about being lonely when they sent the last seven years leaving us. I'm not about to listen to someone whine about getting beaten up, when she would watch as her flesh and blood children got beaten. See... I shouldn't be talking like this... *sigh*
I looked up the application and information about Tulane University, today. I need to get several A's and get my GPA higher so I know that I can get in w/o a problem. And if I could get in with scholarships that's even better. The tuition is about um 5 times what I'm paying here. But it's a very good school and it is in New Orleans and It would be a change of pace, I would be truly striking out, truly going in search of that missing piece. But I have to find the money somewhere before I can even think of it. I need a job... but the major problem with having the money from a job is that It's so hard to live on rice and tomato soup when you don't have too.
I've been cleaning my room for a week now. I suppose I do a little bit every day. I can finally say I've dented it. I have managed to get my bed clean, and my desk clean, now all that's left are the floor, the bathroom, and the closet. I guess that is probably what I will do as soon as I post this.
