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Well it's officially her birthday again. I'm obsessive masochistic mind keeps wondering what Creighton got her. Of course It'll either be something big or a couple of moderate things since of course V-day is in two days.

I wish i could stop thinking about this. It doesn't do me any good.

So I was all excited about having a lovely new house, and now everyone is pressuring me to move out. I know I'm a horrible person if I don't, but I don't really wanna live with an alcoholic that wont quit and thinks driving drunk is a good idea. But I can't let my bro loose that house, and that house is worth more and will be harder to rent.

I'm really going to miss having a garden. The house that I'm supposed to move into has practically all shade, so I don't think I'll get enough good light even at the hight of summer for a veggie plot.

I'm also really going to miss the pear tree in the back yard here. I was just reading pruning guides today in hopes of getting the bad limb trimmed off and getting the tree trimmed to a better size so fruit production will be better. I mean I'll probably have less fruit, but hopefully I'll have nicer larger fruit... what am I saying... I wont be here.

I'm really behind in school. I just can't keep up with the work. It's sort of silly though because I'm doing very well on the tests... it's just keeping up with the homework crap that is dragging me down. I started skipping a lot because I hate not having my homework it's just so fucking humiliating.

I've got a lot filled out on my disability stuff, but I have a LOT more to go. It's so daunting... I'm afraid it'll never get done. BTW anyone want to help me measure how far I can walk without needing to stop? or tell me which odd behaviors I'm supposed to write down?

And Sat. I noticed poor Marco has a limp. He didn't scream when I picked him up so I knew it wasn't broken or anything. He's favoring it less today, but it hurts me to see my baby hurt. I really wish I knew what the little bugger did to hurt himself. He'd been in the kitchen the night before by himself, but I've gone through the kitchen and I can't figure out how he hurt it. The only three things I can think of are he hurt himself trying to climb into the electric litter box, he was running to fast on the slick linoleum and slid into something, or I remember him pawing at the gate Friday night when I went to bed maybe he got a paw or toenail caught in the gate and hurt himself getting his paw loose.

Well thats as much as I can think of to let ya'll know about for now.
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Return dignity to failed system

  • Only one nurse or attendant for 50 patients.
  • One hundred fifteen deaths in five years.
  • "in memory of Sarah Crider, the 14-year-old girl who died, neglected in a state hospital because her family's private insurance had run out."

Read more... )
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  • A handgun cannot be sold to a person who is prohibited by State or Federal law, or has been involuntarily hospitalized within the preceding 5 years.
  • mom shows at my house
  • cleaning until we hours
  • kidnapped and not allowed to go to work
  • furniture shopping
  • {some stuff}
  • police arrive at my house
  • police leave.
  • rona, mom, some guy work on my house while I leave to go to after care group.
  • after group find out friend tried to kill herself this past weekend.
  • while leaving from ruby tuesday's hit curb and almost run into lamppost.

finally bed
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Today is Nov. 6TH!

I wonder if I will always be blown away by this day every year. Has it really been two years?
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I'm feeling good. It's wierd. After a couple of months of a low grade sustained depression it apears as if I'm about to complete one full month of sustained happiness.

While I still have the lethargy to contind with I have over all gained a LOT of ground. Even during situations that would have normally sent me into the downward spiral I have managed to stay calm and strangely collected. I did have one minor episode on the first day of my cycle this month where my thinking got a little wonky it is quite remarkable to note such a marked change in my disposition as a whole for an entire month.

I got my bloodwork back and everything is normal except for my cholesterol which is better than normal. My dad remarked "That's about as good as it gets."

I'm concerned about my TSH level because I read an article where they were saying that the normal range should be changed from .35-5.5 to .35-2.5. my TSH was 2.975.

I got an e-mail yesterday from the art load in people. They want me to help check in art for the con. So I get to go to con for $20 I also get to attend the con party and the con suite. woohoo! Hopefully I'll finish up my hours early or work load-out so I can spend time during the actual con having fun!

My costume isn't finished because I didn't think I was going to be able to attend. Now I've got to rush rush to get it finished. I still don't have anything to attached the wings with so it may end up being a safety-pin to the back of my shirt kinda thing...

I'm not sure about my trying to gel my hair with the green stuff rather than going with a wig... I might have made a poor decision on that one. we shall see...
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I'm starting to feel good and that makes me afraid.
I think I have goals.
I think I might be making new friends.
I'm still too eager to tell anyone everything. It's like I haven’t learned anything except to tell myself in my head that I should SHUT UP! But then go on blindly gabbing.
I don't know why I've begun to talk so much... Or maybe I've always been like this and it just took the past year and a half to point it out to me.

I got a Knitting Loom the other day and I've been knitting up a storm with it. OMG! I love it. I made myself some of those sox/house slippers last night. Oh the ideas I have in my head! Now I just have to try not to spend every dime I have on yarn and ribbon. How many people on my X-mass list do you think will get Hats, scarves, mittens, or slippers this year?

It is probably too late to get in for fall, but I'm going to contact GSU about getting in to there Environmental Sciences program. I wish they had one at KSU but they don't. I'm going to do what I can to telecommute to most classes and who knows I might try to drive my car to Cobb and take CCT to MARTA... Though I am afraid of the insane amount of time that would take. Or there is the possibility of trying out the dorm thing again. I enjoyed that when I did it at KSU, but I had amazing roommates... well most of them anyway.

Man I have so much in my head right now... I'm having a really hard time concentrating on work.

If I can't make it in to GSU for fall then I'll apply to GSU and UGA for spring. I'll finish up my degree in E. Science or something dealing with Agriculture. On my breaks I will visit Eco Villages... and by the time I graduate hopefully I'll have found one to move too. That way if I go live on a farm in the middle of know where for 10 years and then decided I want to come back to society I'll have a degree that I can fall back on, and in those fields I might be able to swing the ecovillage experience in my favor.

Okay I really must work... But I just had to put some of that down before my brain exploded!

Lastly I may try to get into KSU for fall taking Chem. and Biology because I know they will be required courses for my field...

Does anyone have any idea how good it feels to have the seedling of a plan again!at least )
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things haven't been going super. But I am feeling physically some better. things are wierd right now.

I've had no appitite lately whish is very strange. The otherday I don't think I had eatten anything all day but until like 5pm and the only reason I thought about it was that my tummy started making terrible noise. I still didn't feel hungry but thought that I should eat a bit anyway and did and my tummy shut up.

I played a table top RPG on the 4th with [ profile] spiralfeathers and [ profile] flainfalcon. Was fun. I've now done the table top thing and I can't rag on anyone now.
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So many times I read thigns I don't want too. So many times I see things I really don't want too. I don't know why I subject myself to this shit over and over agin. I'm tired. figurativly and litterally.

I want... gods in heaven there is so much that I want and so little of it with a name.

I want to be in love.
I want peace.
I want sleep.
I want a new floor.
I want my business to work.
I want better grades.
I want to forget.
I want to forgive.
I want happiness.

I mean half the time I think all I want is sleep... so then I do... I sleep for days... I wake to role over and stare at nothing for a while and decided that sleeping even with nightmares is better then awake... Then when my head is pounding from too much sleep I crawl out of bed dazed and foggy angry with myself for being such a lazy POS for days on end, and try to wade through the even larger pile of mundane crap I've let go because I couldn't stand to look at it.

I keep hearing that "It gets better"... I think I've come to the conclusion that no it doesn't. It is me that is this. Either I change or I see life this way forever... I just wish I knew how.

See even when it IS better... I may not be... there are a million times in my past I've sat crying thinking "Nothings wrong. I have a fucking wonderful life compared to many. I have it fucking great. I have food, clothing, people that give shit about me, there aren't bombs dropping on things I know and love, I mean goddamn I'm fucking privlaged!... So why am I sitting here crying?"

er... it's late and I've been off my meds for a few days... please don't mind me.
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Okay so I'm fucking depressed and trying not to whine about it.

My DT wont load windows and I have lost everything that wasn't backed up on this comp which means a bunch of tax info and many of my stories and poems.

A prof of mine ebarassed me infrnt of the entire class on wensday night.

Things have been a little rocky in my personal peronsal life.

A very large ebay sell just fell through.

A car accident infront of me yesterday prevented me from getting to my shrink appointment on time so she canceled it on me.

I scored 10 points lower on my second marketing exam even though I studied 10 times harder for this one.

I have a sore throat.

My ovarys hurt.

My brother, Jen, Dad and his girl all went to eat Indian at my fav restraunt tonight and didn't invite me.

I wanted to go out tonight and apparently Mikey has decided to not come home after work so that isn't going to happen.

I haven't been doing very good at taking my meds lately.
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I am feeling... lonely... I think thats the word... perhaps simply distant... perhaps discontented...

I want something that seems illusive... foggy and out of focus...

I want comfort
I want strength
I want energy
I want desire

Save me...

Mar. 23rd, 2004 11:38 pm
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I haven't eaten all day... can't seem to make myself.

The thought of turtal bownies (without nuts) sounds good but no energy to go to the store, no money to buy them, and then I'd have to stay awake long enough to cook them...

I'm really going to miss him...

I'm so frustrated at the moment but right now I'm to tired to be angry.
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I just tried to write a bit in here a lost myself in anger and selfpitty so I ditched that entry in hopes that I wouldn't bore everyone to tears with my droll whining...

Something I just noticed though is that it's rather amazing how depressing and empty messanger list is. It tends to give me that horrific feeling of total isolation. Everyone else has somethign better to do then be online right now, which in turn makes me rather fucking pathetic, seeing as how I am here alone listening to CXS's "The Myster of the Whisper" trying to drowned myself in crown royal and fucking 58 cent check cola, whiching despritly that there was someone to talk too... someone that wanted to listen to my shit... or at least could stand to ignore the IM while I rant...

I'm not even sure I remember why I miss him so much. I'm not even sure that it matters. He showed up tonight... only for a bit... jsut enough to tare down all the work I had done telling myself I'm over him.

Cruxshadows lyrics
Monument )
But it doesn't matter... honestly because while I may miss him more then anything, I honestly thing that I am finally accepting of the fact that I will never see him again... I will never touch his face... I will never run my hands accross his scar or his tatoos

*le sigh*

Mar. 22nd, 2004 04:51 pm
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here I am at a critical point. I knoww it I feel it...I've hat a rotton fucking day and I've only been awake for about 4 hours now. I feel like crawling into bed burrying my face and forcing myself to sleep... However the overwhelming problem with that option is that I know it wont make anything better. I'll just feel like shit when I wake up and want to go back to sleep because the problems will have compounded by the time I wake. Well perhaps not... compounded exactly... I'll just feel worse about them because they will still be there and there still wont be anything I can do about it.

I keep thinking that if I at least make myself get up and fold a load of laundry and put another in the wash I will feel better about doing something and perhaps allow myself the slump into the matress.
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my bird that I have had for 14 years died today.

Can't find a shovel to burry her with.

got into a bit of a tift with a friend

might loose a $1100 sale

my dog ran away (we did find him again though)


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