(no subject)

[transpao]

So many times I read thigns I don't want too. So many times I see things I really don't want too. I don't know why I subject myself to this shit over and over agin. I'm tired. figurativly and litterally.

I want... gods in heaven there is so much that I want and so little of it with a name.

I want to be in love.
I want peace.
I want sleep.
I want a new floor.
I want my business to work.
I want better grades.
I want to forget.
I want to forgive.
I want happiness.

I mean half the time I think all I want is sleep... so then I do... I sleep for days... I wake to role over and stare at nothing for a while and decided that sleeping even with nightmares is better then awake... Then when my head is pounding from too much sleep I crawl out of bed dazed and foggy angry with myself for being such a lazy POS for days on end, and try to wade through the even larger pile of mundane crap I've let go because I couldn't stand to look at it.

I keep hearing that "It gets better"... I think I've come to the conclusion that no it doesn't. It is me that is this. Either I change or I see life this way forever... I just wish I knew how.

See even when it IS better... I may not be... there are a million times in my past I've sat crying thinking "Nothings wrong. I have a fucking wonderful life compared to many. I have it fucking great. I have food, clothing, people that give shit about me, there aren't bombs dropping on things I know and love, I mean goddamn I'm fucking privlaged!... So why am I sitting here crying?"

er... it's late and I've been off my meds for a few days... please don't mind me.