(no subject)

I am in pain right now. I wish I could cork this bottle again. this week off wasn't enough time, and now I've got three classes to go back too and I need my motivation back.

Oh gods if I could only express it... if I could only make the wrods convey what I feel. I kept my child-like ablity to say what I wanted when for so long... but then there was the hospital. There have been all the consiquinces. And there is fear now.

Of what I'm not really even sure. I don't fear those I love leaving, because they have and they don't appear to be coming back. I don't fear going back to the hospital... hell there are times I pray for it.

Perhaps I fear others knowing now. I don't really know why. perhaps it's due to the lack of safety support now. Perhaps it is that the very thing I thought was supporting me... the thing I thought would never be gone... like the very earth under my feet... became the very knife that stabs me now... like an earthquake.

Will this ever heal? Will it heal before becoming the monster I've seen before? Will I be consumed by the bitterness and hatred?

There are not letters enough... there are not words enough...