(no subject)

[transpao]

I am in pain right now. I wish I could cork this bottle again. this week off wasn't enough time, and now I've got three classes to go back too and I need my motivation back.

Oh gods if I could only express it... if I could only make the wrods convey what I feel. I kept my child-like ablity to say what I wanted when for so long... but then there was the hospital. There have been all the consiquinces. And there is fear now.

Of what I'm not really even sure. I don't fear those I love leaving, because they have and they don't appear to be coming back. I don't fear going back to the hospital... hell there are times I pray for it.

Perhaps I fear others knowing now. I don't really know why. perhaps it's due to the lack of safety support now. Perhaps it is that the very thing I thought was supporting me... the thing I thought would never be gone... like the very earth under my feet... became the very knife that stabs me now... like an earthquake.

Will this ever heal? Will it heal before becoming the monster I've seen before? Will I be consumed by the bitterness and hatred?

There are not letters enough... there are not words enough...

Comments

[lacroix132002.livejournal.com]

enough letters and words ,definately not ,just feelings and expressions yearning to breakfree if only to show the world and bring them to the mercy of your level so that they will truly feel ,truly understand and know the emotional hell and torment you are going through,then that way they can stop telling you it will go away eventually.after a while our fear and our pain and misery becomes us.it becomes our safehaven and the place where we reside comfartably,our pain becomes our own sick pleasurethat is only understood on an individual bassis.sweatheart my love,it will never fully go away but it will subside, what it becomes is what you let it,you have always had the power you just lack the inspiration and drive to do something with it that works in your favor believe i know from my own personal experience.perhaps my Dear the pain really comes from the fact that if you let go the pain of losing Ila for real then maybe you feel that you will have nothing left of her.bitterness and hatred can be a useful tool if directed in the right way,and fear will make you or break you.the lack of safety support is scary and can be deadly if you let it .but you wont let it.Paolina when you are ready,you will rise up again,you will prevail,and you will be stronger and you will be a force to be reckoned with intense ferocity,you will become the conception made real and i will be thier every step as i always have ,even if i have to come down thier to see it through.i had to kill of Midori and allow the rise of Pegasus which i will write about today.remmember i am a phone call away.

[paosparti.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I must say I feel you are mistaken. Allowing the pain to consume you *is* the wrong way to go.

I never said I couldn't prevail it's just deciding what I wish to prevail at.

I do not wish to have any reminders of her in my life as she is or was as long as we can not be.

[lacroix132002.livejournal.com]

as for allowing pain to consume ,sometimes thier is no choice or at least thier hasnt been in my world up until the last few months but it is of ocourse individual,however you are right .as for not knowing what to prevail at and having no reminders i can relate.in any case i wish you all the luck and hope you have many blessings in resolving your situation.