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transpaoI had a rather strange dream about Ila last night. The school she and I were attending had this women's only meeting. We were all supposed to dress nicely for it, which I didn't, because I forgot all about it. As i was walking to school the morning of the meeting I met friend of mine from CTC who was dressed kinda nice for her, walking with my 6th grade history teacher, and this beautiful huge dog. I asked what was going on and they reminded me of the special seminar that would be held today. I sort of shrugged it off and was like "oh yeah."
Well we get to the seminar room, which sort of remindeds me of one of the ball rooms at Dragon con... sans the chairs, we are all supposed to sit on the floor. So we are all sitting on the floor and this woman starts asking us what we think the meeting is about, I can't remember what everyone else said, but I remember distinctly that when she pointed at me I sort of shrugged and said"I really have no idea, but the only think that keeps popping into my head is soccer" She laughed and said "No, but wouldn't it be nice if we did have a women's soccer team?"
Well we then are released to go get some breakfast that has been brought in for us, and they say they will tell us what everything is about when we get back. I run into Ila during this break, and she tells me that she already knows it's going to be a conflict resolution seminar, that she found out while doing some filing at the office. I sort of shrug at her and go to walk off. She tells me she thinks it would be good for us because I need to work on some of my issues with things. At this I get really pissed and turn to and say "Oh and what issues are those exactly.?"
She sort of turns to take something off a shelf or out of a locker at this point , in an obvious attempt at deflecting my anger. "Well your whole preoccupation with when I had my preteen bi phase."
At this I can barely see through my rage and I walk slowly up to her and say in an icy tone "Fucking someone up to the age of 21 does not constitute a Preteen Bi-phase!"
She then turns more to face me and says in a strange sort of nonchalant tone "I choose to believe it does."
In my head I start to fight with all the things I want to scream at her, but I realize that none of it really matters so I just said "I hate you" Spit in her face and walked off.
We go back to the meeting hall and several times during the day she tries to coax me into working with her, and I keep refusing. But finally she calls me out in front of everyone. The neat thing here is that the dream pulls back and I can see myself and her. I loved how I look in that dream. I'm looking decidedly masculine, but with a petite fem edge, without coming off as dykie. I'm wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt (no obvious breasts) My head is shaved which accentuates my facial features, especially my eyes, which have turned the strange shade of green they do when I'm really emotional.
:Sadly I have to paraphrase here because it was a long speech and I didn't exactly have a pen handy to jot down everything I said:
"Why should I be the one to 'Work' on things? I don't see any way that you are willing to compromise. You are sill married to him. You just want me to do all the bending and weaving here. No thanks.
I don't call fucking me on and off for 8 years, a phase. I don't call proposing to me Twice, though they were in impossible circumstances, a phase. But you want me to pretend it was!
Besides Ila, how long do you plan to stay married to this one? I mean yeah you've beat your record of nine months, but how long did any of your mothers marriages last, five years at the outside? Please you are following in her footsteps.
I don't like you and I don't want anything to do with you. You betrayed me. You hurt me like no one else has ever be able to, because I let you closer than anyone else, and you did the worst you could possibly do. I'm supposed to smile and forgive all that, No. Leave me alone. I've told you this several times today and you call me out, and now I've gone and told everyone everything. Leave me alone, I don't like you."
The faces around the auditorium seem a mix of praise, appall, and utter shock. I turn and leave... and it's so awesome, this confident stride that seems to suggest that I'm just over this shit, and is as far from girly running out of the room as I could imagine there being.
I walk out into a University campus set up, all brick buildings, and grassy areas, but much more regal than McEachern or CTC could ever be. I see a friend of mine. I can't for the life of me think what I called him in the dream. He was reading poetry or something, looking at a note book, but radiating this utter calm that was so intense. He had short brownish-redish dreads that were thin and well kept, chin length. I think he had either brown or blue eyes, but he looked at me and then folded me into the most awesome hug. It was this moment of replenishing... even the most amazing hugs I can remember in my life didn't match this hug.
When I stepped away from him it was like the intensity had disappeared but not. Suddenly it was a strange sort of camaraderie and respect, like I haven't felt in ages. It was shooting the shit with the guys.
:left out part here that I'm going to have to chew over for a bit:
Then my phone rings in my pocket. It was the most real sensation. I felt the phone vibrating in my pocket. I feel myself reach down at bring it back up to my ear. It's Ila crying and saying something... Along the lines of I just miss you
I go to reply and I realize I'm actually speaking the words and I'm no longer asleep... my phone is not in my hand it's out in the car.
Well we get to the seminar room, which sort of remindeds me of one of the ball rooms at Dragon con... sans the chairs, we are all supposed to sit on the floor. So we are all sitting on the floor and this woman starts asking us what we think the meeting is about, I can't remember what everyone else said, but I remember distinctly that when she pointed at me I sort of shrugged and said"I really have no idea, but the only think that keeps popping into my head is soccer" She laughed and said "No, but wouldn't it be nice if we did have a women's soccer team?"
Well we then are released to go get some breakfast that has been brought in for us, and they say they will tell us what everything is about when we get back. I run into Ila during this break, and she tells me that she already knows it's going to be a conflict resolution seminar, that she found out while doing some filing at the office. I sort of shrug at her and go to walk off. She tells me she thinks it would be good for us because I need to work on some of my issues with things. At this I get really pissed and turn to and say "Oh and what issues are those exactly.?"
She sort of turns to take something off a shelf or out of a locker at this point , in an obvious attempt at deflecting my anger. "Well your whole preoccupation with when I had my preteen bi phase."
At this I can barely see through my rage and I walk slowly up to her and say in an icy tone "Fucking someone up to the age of 21 does not constitute a Preteen Bi-phase!"
She then turns more to face me and says in a strange sort of nonchalant tone "I choose to believe it does."
In my head I start to fight with all the things I want to scream at her, but I realize that none of it really matters so I just said "I hate you" Spit in her face and walked off.
We go back to the meeting hall and several times during the day she tries to coax me into working with her, and I keep refusing. But finally she calls me out in front of everyone. The neat thing here is that the dream pulls back and I can see myself and her. I loved how I look in that dream. I'm looking decidedly masculine, but with a petite fem edge, without coming off as dykie. I'm wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt (no obvious breasts) My head is shaved which accentuates my facial features, especially my eyes, which have turned the strange shade of green they do when I'm really emotional.
:Sadly I have to paraphrase here because it was a long speech and I didn't exactly have a pen handy to jot down everything I said:
"Why should I be the one to 'Work' on things? I don't see any way that you are willing to compromise. You are sill married to him. You just want me to do all the bending and weaving here. No thanks.
I don't call fucking me on and off for 8 years, a phase. I don't call proposing to me Twice, though they were in impossible circumstances, a phase. But you want me to pretend it was!
Besides Ila, how long do you plan to stay married to this one? I mean yeah you've beat your record of nine months, but how long did any of your mothers marriages last, five years at the outside? Please you are following in her footsteps.
I don't like you and I don't want anything to do with you. You betrayed me. You hurt me like no one else has ever be able to, because I let you closer than anyone else, and you did the worst you could possibly do. I'm supposed to smile and forgive all that, No. Leave me alone. I've told you this several times today and you call me out, and now I've gone and told everyone everything. Leave me alone, I don't like you."
The faces around the auditorium seem a mix of praise, appall, and utter shock. I turn and leave... and it's so awesome, this confident stride that seems to suggest that I'm just over this shit, and is as far from girly running out of the room as I could imagine there being.
I walk out into a University campus set up, all brick buildings, and grassy areas, but much more regal than McEachern or CTC could ever be. I see a friend of mine. I can't for the life of me think what I called him in the dream. He was reading poetry or something, looking at a note book, but radiating this utter calm that was so intense. He had short brownish-redish dreads that were thin and well kept, chin length. I think he had either brown or blue eyes, but he looked at me and then folded me into the most awesome hug. It was this moment of replenishing... even the most amazing hugs I can remember in my life didn't match this hug.
When I stepped away from him it was like the intensity had disappeared but not. Suddenly it was a strange sort of camaraderie and respect, like I haven't felt in ages. It was shooting the shit with the guys.
:left out part here that I'm going to have to chew over for a bit:
Then my phone rings in my pocket. It was the most real sensation. I felt the phone vibrating in my pocket. I feel myself reach down at bring it back up to my ear. It's Ila crying and saying something... Along the lines of I just miss you
I go to reply and I realize I'm actually speaking the words and I'm no longer asleep... my phone is not in my hand it's out in the car.
