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transpaoFeeling a bit depressed and lonely today. I got up and went to the 12:30 EA meeting like I promised Banu I would. It was ok, but I have to say the program really frustrates me. I'd like to work the program and believe that it could really help change my life, but the program is so centered on the idea of a monotheistic god that rules ones life that my belief system simply wont work with it. It would even be better if I were an atheist so I could use the group as my higher power or a random person or soemthing, but I'm not. I do believe in the gods. I just don't think they have any sort of "Will" for my life. I also don't believe in or think they want me to surrender to them. And they cannot or will not correct my character faults. So I can never complete steps 3,6, 7, and 11 they simply do not work with my belief system. Whenever I tell anyone this I'm told I'm just not trying hard enough, or I'm being too proud.
In other news I got my first cold sore in years yesterday. I caught it early and I'm taking meds so it is small and hopefully will not be too terrible, but they always make me so self conscience and feel diseased and ugly. Yet one more thing I have dear Mrs. Callaway to thank for.
Myspace keeps telling me I might like to be friends with her. It's a new feature apparently that based on mutual friends or some unknown logarithm suggests people you might be interested in friending via myspace. It of course doesn't bother taking into account the fact that they may not be on your myspace friends list for a reason. It really struck me when her photo and name appeared on my homepage, 'cause I had been doing so well in not looking her up... knowing it would only hurt more to see how happy she is with her baby and husband.
If there is some sort of godly will, why does it keep throwing me curve balls? I mean seriously It had been over a year since I looked at her page and vowed never to do it again, and bloody myspace goes and posts it all over my homepage. I really swear that there are times I think the universe is really TRYING to get me to off myself, like I'm some sort of mistake that wont be corrected until I'm dead. I'm still struggling with why that is a delusional thought and the opposite that the universe desires my living presence and to continue in this life is not. To me they appear to be the exact same coin just different sides.
But apparently it's my choice to be depressed and miserable and I'm just not trying hard enough to be happy...
In other news I got my first cold sore in years yesterday. I caught it early and I'm taking meds so it is small and hopefully will not be too terrible, but they always make me so self conscience and feel diseased and ugly. Yet one more thing I have dear Mrs. Callaway to thank for.
Myspace keeps telling me I might like to be friends with her. It's a new feature apparently that based on mutual friends or some unknown logarithm suggests people you might be interested in friending via myspace. It of course doesn't bother taking into account the fact that they may not be on your myspace friends list for a reason. It really struck me when her photo and name appeared on my homepage, 'cause I had been doing so well in not looking her up... knowing it would only hurt more to see how happy she is with her baby and husband.
If there is some sort of godly will, why does it keep throwing me curve balls? I mean seriously It had been over a year since I looked at her page and vowed never to do it again, and bloody myspace goes and posts it all over my homepage. I really swear that there are times I think the universe is really TRYING to get me to off myself, like I'm some sort of mistake that wont be corrected until I'm dead. I'm still struggling with why that is a delusional thought and the opposite that the universe desires my living presence and to continue in this life is not. To me they appear to be the exact same coin just different sides.
But apparently it's my choice to be depressed and miserable and I'm just not trying hard enough to be happy...
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Date: 2009-01-17 11:41 pm (UTC)And I also have a problem with the idea that depression is primarily due to our own thought patterns (all the "twisted thinking" types). I do think this is the case for a lot of people and a lot of my problems but there are some things going on in my life that are just really shitty. I think the appeal to therapists of working on correcting thought patterns is because that is something that actually can be addressed while no one can do much about crappy thing after crappy thing happening that is out of our control.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down.
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Date: 2009-01-18 01:39 am (UTC)I am a nature worshiper so I can in someways use this but I get stuck with steps 6 and 7 where my higher power is supposed to remove my character defects... That in my belief system just does not work. My defects are mine to work through or with and none of my Gods or the earth want to or will take them from me.
Thank you for your reply. You are probably right in thinking that the therapists work on what they can change. The whole serenity prayer thing I suppose.