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It's sad really.
Aug. 25th, 2003 02:32 amWhy must it pour when it rains?
I know I'm pathetic... It's okay ecept the world keeps telling me I shouldn't be this way. I can't help it. Perhaps I should be happy being alone... Perhaps I should be happy being myself... I am happy with who I am... But I'm tired of being with me... I've spent the last 21 years with me, nearly 22... I know everything there is to know about me. Basicly you could say I'm bored of myself.
Besides how do I change it. I mean if I'm supposed to "be happy by myself" how do I make myself happy being by myself. Because I'm just not. I hate being lonely. I hate missing the people I love. I hate having no one to share the excitment with when something great happens and the tears with when soemthing not so great happens. There just isn't anything I ENJOY doing by myself. Yes I can do it by myself, but that's like saying Yes I can continue to breath; it doesn't make me want to do anything. How do I change that? It's just part of me. I hate clubs unless I'm there with someone. I hate the movies unless I have someone to share it over a cup of coffee with. I hate TV. I don't like going to see plays unless I have someone to talk about them with. I don't like running errands unless there is someone who will care about it when I tell them or someone to talk to whiel I do it. I just don't like life without someone else around.
It's not that I can't do it... It's that there is nothing that makes me WANT to do it.
Right now I'm so torn. There is a huge part of me that NEVER wants to EVER love anyone again. I know that I hate loss and dissapointment too much. I know that no matter what there will come a time when the relationship will end. I hate that thought more then anything. To think of going through this EVER again makes me sick! It makes the joy seems so worthless.
However there is the other small part of me that knows that my life will be very sad if I never love anyone again. But is the steady and predicatble sadness better then the Horrific overwhelming sadness of loss?
I had forgoten about his scar... I burst into tears when I read an old entry that said something about it. I had forgoten some of the things he said until I tried to tell a friend about him today.
I feel so gutted! It's like what makes it all worth it can be ripped away from me so easliy because I have nothing that I find worth it but being in love. It's not as if I don't look for things. But even Terry Pratchett isn't as much fun when there is no one else to laugh with. no one to giggle over the "sleet burt" or the "well, actually I am a rocket Wizard."
But, if you have that even for a moment, when it's taken away no matter how you try it wont be as good without them.
I know I'm pathetic... It's okay ecept the world keeps telling me I shouldn't be this way. I can't help it. Perhaps I should be happy being alone... Perhaps I should be happy being myself... I am happy with who I am... But I'm tired of being with me... I've spent the last 21 years with me, nearly 22... I know everything there is to know about me. Basicly you could say I'm bored of myself.
Besides how do I change it. I mean if I'm supposed to "be happy by myself" how do I make myself happy being by myself. Because I'm just not. I hate being lonely. I hate missing the people I love. I hate having no one to share the excitment with when something great happens and the tears with when soemthing not so great happens. There just isn't anything I ENJOY doing by myself. Yes I can do it by myself, but that's like saying Yes I can continue to breath; it doesn't make me want to do anything. How do I change that? It's just part of me. I hate clubs unless I'm there with someone. I hate the movies unless I have someone to share it over a cup of coffee with. I hate TV. I don't like going to see plays unless I have someone to talk about them with. I don't like running errands unless there is someone who will care about it when I tell them or someone to talk to whiel I do it. I just don't like life without someone else around.
It's not that I can't do it... It's that there is nothing that makes me WANT to do it.
Right now I'm so torn. There is a huge part of me that NEVER wants to EVER love anyone again. I know that I hate loss and dissapointment too much. I know that no matter what there will come a time when the relationship will end. I hate that thought more then anything. To think of going through this EVER again makes me sick! It makes the joy seems so worthless.
However there is the other small part of me that knows that my life will be very sad if I never love anyone again. But is the steady and predicatble sadness better then the Horrific overwhelming sadness of loss?
I had forgoten about his scar... I burst into tears when I read an old entry that said something about it. I had forgoten some of the things he said until I tried to tell a friend about him today.
I feel so gutted! It's like what makes it all worth it can be ripped away from me so easliy because I have nothing that I find worth it but being in love. It's not as if I don't look for things. But even Terry Pratchett isn't as much fun when there is no one else to laugh with. no one to giggle over the "sleet burt" or the "well, actually I am a rocket Wizard."
But, if you have that even for a moment, when it's taken away no matter how you try it wont be as good without them.
