(no subject)

So many times I read thigns I don't want too. So many times I see things I really don't want too. I don't know why I subject myself to this shit over and over agin. I'm tired. figurativly and litterally.

I want... gods in heaven there is so much that I want and so little of it with a name.

I want to be in love.
I want peace.
I want sleep.
I want a new floor.
I want my business to work.
I want better grades.
I want to forget.
I want to forgive.
I want happiness.

I mean half the time I think all I want is sleep... so then I do... I sleep for days... I wake to role over and stare at nothing for a while and decided that sleeping even with nightmares is better then awake... Then when my head is pounding from too much sleep I crawl out of bed dazed and foggy angry with myself for being such a lazy POS for days on end, and try to wade through the even larger pile of mundane crap I've let go because I couldn't stand to look at it.

I keep hearing that "It gets better"... I think I've come to the conclusion that no it doesn't. It is me that is this. Either I change or I see life this way forever... I just wish I knew how.

See even when it IS better... I may not be... there are a million times in my past I've sat crying thinking "Nothings wrong. I have a fucking wonderful life compared to many. I have it fucking great. I have food, clothing, people that give shit about me, there aren't bombs dropping on things I know and love, I mean goddamn I'm fucking privlaged!... So why am I sitting here crying?"

er... it's late and I've been off my meds for a few days... please don't mind me.

Thanks gothboi69 this meme made me smile.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	hypnotising
Your love is...	unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...	awakening my heart
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	everlasting
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Well to add to the wonderful joy today has brought... incase you couldn't tell I was being sarcastic... I got the news that a family friend died last night in a strange accident. I don't know why it bothers me so... I mean he was more of my fathers friend... I had met him several times, and I mean I knew him, but I wouldn't say we were really more then aqanitinces. I think the way he died is what is affecting me most.

Apparently... He was out on some property he had in rural Paulding County chopping down some trees... the details here are not exactly clear... either he cut himself with the chainsaw or the tree bounced back and hit his neck or something... anyway he made it to his cell phone to call 911, but the police had trouble locating him because he was not calling from a land line, and apparently was unable to give good directions. They tried calling his wife and found that she was out of town so they had to track her down in Florida. Once they got ahold of her and figured out where his land was he had blead to death.