In memorium

There was this kid. They were amazing.

A little back ground. I met their mother back in the day. We became good friends. She had a a tiny baby. I cared for this tiny child whenever the mother and I were together. this was almost constantly. After a car accident I started living with the family. I became the kids live in care giver. I changed diapers, I clothed and fed them. I put them to bed. I woke up with them. after nine months the tension among me and the mother became to great for me to continue living there. After a few months I made up with the mom primarily so I could see the kid again.

I remember walking through the door and they ran to me yelling "I knew you'd come back."

I lived apart from them, but continued a relationship. A year or two later I again became the kids care giver. this lasted many months. and I cherished each day.

After a while I became consumed by a dark depression. I even informed the mother of how deep and miserable it was while holding the kids brother. We were friends after all. this was fine and we talked a long time. I finished out my day with the kids.

The weekend came. I got in a huge fight with my dad's girlfriend. I went over to my friends house. They consoled me and I went home. Things became much worse. I called my friend and she said I could stay with them. That I was family. She promised she would come back to get me in 30 minutes. But through her own words she said she got sidetracked and didn't return.

Something happened while she was gone. No one knows exactly what. But the result was that I decided that I couldn't go on. My mother found me. I was rushed to the ER. my recovery was long. I spent a lot of time in ICU. when I was out and into a regular room. They brought the kid to see me. I found out later that they had brought the kid to the ER. and that they had explained to a 5 year old what Suicide was. Then after all this: While recovering in the hospital the mother called and said I would never be able to see the kids again.

I only saw them once after that. The dad allowed me to come by on his weekend after they divorced. I learned the following day the mother blew her lid and threatened to kill me for seeing the kids. The dad explained that The Kid had run and hid frightened that they had caused all this. I made a vow to not try to see them anymore to avoid any further trauma in there lives.

I hoped and prayed that The Kid would remember me. That one day we would see each other again.

I kept crayon drawings The Kid made for me while I was in the hospital. One day many years later one of those drawings that was so precious to me, had something spilled on it. I was deviated. and breaking my vow not to contact The kid. I wrote them a message on FB. I knew they were nearing 18. I wanted them to know I still cared.

A few weeks after The Mother Messages me and explodes.

I didn't try to contact them again.

I regret that with everything in me. I checked in occasionally with The kids FB. Found out they were Trans. I longed to message my support and love. but I held back because I didn't want to make trouble for them.

Today after a long time I checked in again. The FB page is now a remembrance page. I found out that the family used the birth name and assigned gender for the memorial and obituary.

And I will never see The kid again.

I am devastated.

I could have helped. I could have been a support. Maybe things wouldn't have turned out any differently, but we will never know now.

Matt you have been and always will be missed. I will never hear Magic Dance the same again.