Have you always been a man or are you becoming one?

Well I don't know. I could give the carbon copy answer that "something was different" but at least as a child I didn't associate it with my gender. I had a strong dislike for dresses and frills. For my 7 or 8th birthday I asked for barbies and hot wheels. (The barbies spent all their time naked in bed together) I wondered why my friends, even though less conventionally attractive always seemed to get male attention. I always felt frumpy next to my female friends. I wondered from a young age if I was gay. But I never had anything close to the thought "I'm really a boy" Even after coming out as bi and somehow becoming the school "Lesbian" I joked about penises being weird. I did long to get my girlfriend pregnant. I bristled when anyone suggested I wasn't the more masculine of us even while claiming lipstick lesbian. I have pretty much only ever been attracted to queer men. I had episodes of what i consider now to be dysphoria from about 14, however I associated it more with feeling a lack of safety after a traumatic event. I relished in a high-school friend saying I had the biggest "proverbial balls" of anyone he knew. I tried out for the roll of Tybolt for the production of Romeo and Juliette. I was pretty bummed to get Lady Capulet instead.

Then in the later years of my high-school I had a friend do a tarot reading. When this friend said something akin to "you have a more masculine spirit" I was all "Hell yeah" inside.

Then about a year latter I met my first transguy through my girlfriend. I can't say it was a super positive experience, but that is totally outside the guy being trans. Later I sat down with my girlfriend and asked her questions. The main one was why? Why would anyone transition? Being a believer in reincarnation, I just figured I was supposed to learn something from being a "girl". But as we talked and she enlightened me to some new vocabulary. It felt like a lightbulb went off when she mentioned being bi-gendered. So for a long time I adopted this as my personal label, but only told a few people.

As I began to explore male me... he got bigger and bigger. After a while I decided that I must have multiple personality or DID. When I presented as male or felt male I would find myself increasingly dysphoric about my natal body. I would research STP's and GCS, and tell myself that "girl" me would be so pissed off if I ever went through with it.

Then a few years ago it began to dawn on me that maybe I was just a transguy using the bi-gendered label to resist transition. That maybe I was just saying I was a girl when I wasn't acutely experiencing dysphoria.

Now I find myself uncomfortable using bi-gendered. Not sure I accept FtM. (or maybe I feel I don't deserve that label) I don't jive with non-binary. I am deeply uncomfortable with my mom thinking of me as formerly her daughter.

I long for a manly chest. I long for a penis of my own. I am taking Testosterone, and pretty happy with it.

Again with the I don't know.