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Dec. 14th, 2002 01:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transpaoOkay so I just drank a couple of tablespoons of cough syrup. I dunno how much really... Just turned the bottle up. Hopefully I'll be sleepy soon or I'll have to drink more. Ug! and it taste like shit! I really should go to the store and buy some antihystimen so that when I feel like this I don't have to waste caugh syrup to go to sleep.
I dunno what's wrong really... well yeah I do... part of it at least... But the bad thing is I know it shouldn't be bugging me that bad so I feel crazy and that is just making it all worse.
Sometimes I really wonder if they would have me commited if they knew what went on in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I should have me commited. Problem with that is I know being commited doesn't change anything (except in relationships) I know that all they do in those hospitals is babysit you and take away things that look dangerous. But they can't make my head okay. They can't make me better. They can't change the way I am... broken.
I want it to change. I honestly think I'm crazy. I mean I think that if the world knew the half of what I have in my head they would say I'm crazy and maybe they are right. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time coping with EVERYTHING.
So did I mention I'm sorta kinda but not really quiting smoking? Well I know I said I was gunna not buy any smokes and I've been good about it. I think it's been a week now and I haven't baught any. i have a little money now and I could go buy them but I'm not. There is other stuff that I know the money could be better spent on. It doesn't feel like that right now when I would kiss a frog to have a cig, but yeah. My dad promissed me $100 if I quit. I dunno what that means though. How long does quiting take? I didn't smoke any today or yesterday I think I had two the day before, one the day before, two the day before, and one before that, three before that and one before that and none and then one. I mean it seems like being down to this point I could just say screw it and stop, but then there are the moments...
Like riding in the car with the window down and the fave song on the radio. Or when your Drunk off your ass and your babbling about some stupid shit but the world is just too cool. Or when your writing that story. Or talking about that time when that happened. Or your sittin in a restraunt alone drinking your coffee. There are a million more... Moments where the world just doesn't seem right without a cig in hand. I mean those moments where everything is perfict... except perfict often includes the feeling of exhaling smoke, and holding a slinder cylinder in my hand. It's all psychological for me and I know that...
*Sigh* Am I sleepy yet? Sorta... a bit... I should wait a bit more before drinking some more caugh syrup I might get more tired in a few mins.
I dunno what's wrong really... well yeah I do... part of it at least... But the bad thing is I know it shouldn't be bugging me that bad so I feel crazy and that is just making it all worse.
Sometimes I really wonder if they would have me commited if they knew what went on in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I should have me commited. Problem with that is I know being commited doesn't change anything (except in relationships) I know that all they do in those hospitals is babysit you and take away things that look dangerous. But they can't make my head okay. They can't make me better. They can't change the way I am... broken.
I want it to change. I honestly think I'm crazy. I mean I think that if the world knew the half of what I have in my head they would say I'm crazy and maybe they are right. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time coping with EVERYTHING.
So did I mention I'm sorta kinda but not really quiting smoking? Well I know I said I was gunna not buy any smokes and I've been good about it. I think it's been a week now and I haven't baught any. i have a little money now and I could go buy them but I'm not. There is other stuff that I know the money could be better spent on. It doesn't feel like that right now when I would kiss a frog to have a cig, but yeah. My dad promissed me $100 if I quit. I dunno what that means though. How long does quiting take? I didn't smoke any today or yesterday I think I had two the day before, one the day before, two the day before, and one before that, three before that and one before that and none and then one. I mean it seems like being down to this point I could just say screw it and stop, but then there are the moments...
Like riding in the car with the window down and the fave song on the radio. Or when your Drunk off your ass and your babbling about some stupid shit but the world is just too cool. Or when your writing that story. Or talking about that time when that happened. Or your sittin in a restraunt alone drinking your coffee. There are a million more... Moments where the world just doesn't seem right without a cig in hand. I mean those moments where everything is perfict... except perfict often includes the feeling of exhaling smoke, and holding a slinder cylinder in my hand. It's all psychological for me and I know that...
*Sigh* Am I sleepy yet? Sorta... a bit... I should wait a bit more before drinking some more caugh syrup I might get more tired in a few mins.
