desperate and confused

[transpao]

I don't know what to do. I am in trouble at work about my absences. The Meeting at the end of the day yesterday through me for a serious loop. I had a horrible panic attack this morning while I was trying to make it in to work. I took an adivan to try and calm down and I fell asleep again which made me late so i just called in.

I'm tried calling HR to talk to them about FMLA, but the phone system doesn't appear to be working and I keep getting cut off after I press 1 to reach a representative. I called back and simply left a voice mail.... maybe they will call me back.

I just called and set up an appointment with Dr. Ortenzi my gyn doc to run some blood work in hopes that maybe she will be able to help me figure out what to do with everything because I am so overwhelmed.

It takes everything I have to get up in the morning. I was walking such a tight rope and I feel like yesterday just shook it out from under me. I've lost total control and I don't know what to do because being fired would end my ability to get treatment and make everything worse but I'm loosing it.

My dad an his secretary just came by and I think we will be able to get the fmla forms filled out. I still don't know what's going to happen. I'm so afraid.

Comments

[aummaster.livejournal.com]

Sorry it has been tough for you.
I can offer (and do as a matter of fact) Hugs!

I know not helpful but nice anyway :)

If you want a friendly ear you can drop me an e-mail and I will give you my phone number. Since I am local if you want I could even meet you someplace and listen in person sometime.

[paosparti.livejournal.com]

thanks. I really do appreciate it. I have treatment tonight and I'm not really sure what will happen... I kinda think they may hospitalize me.

I'm prolly gunna post one more time before I go in to update on everything that has happened so far... but after about 5pm I really can't say what's gunna happen.

[aummaster.livejournal.com]

I understand. I did not mean necessarily tonight but whenever. Keep us informed and remember the offer stands.
Have you been diagnosed? Do you have any idea what it is that is affecting you?
Maybe I did not read far enough back in your journal to find out. Too lazy I guess...

[paosparti.livejournal.com]

no I get it just wanted to let you know, that if i don't respond for a bit it's nothing personal.

well honestly I have lots of diagnoses... Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-polar, Depression, Anxiety and others in the psyche area... but there is some disagreement in my treatment team as to which ones I really have.

I also have a monumental list of physical disorder which aren't helping the situation. Inflammatory arthritis with possible Raynaud's phenomenon, scoliosis, Sever debilitating Migraines reflux, PCOS, massive surgeries to both my feet an arms with lots of metal bits. And recently I've had some testing show I may have under-active thyroid... but I'm undergoing more testing on that.

<---- is falling apart... LOL

[aummaster.livejournal.com]

"Take nothing personally"
It is one of "the four agreements".
If you get hospitalized and can send me a message let me know and I will bring you a copy. It is kind of corny but a fun read anyways. Better to have something to read than nothing.
Killing yourself (even said in jest) is serious business. Please do not yet. I have only just gotten the opportunity to get to know you.

How can I build a gardening friendship with a corpse?
:)

[paosparti.livejournal.com]

thanks I plan on taking
Happiness by Matthieu Ricard
Better Off by Eric Bernde
Hit by a farm by Cathrine Friend

I bought the last two yesterday when I got of the bus just in case I might have to go in.

I might be able to send a message before I go in. I'd love company for visiting hours other than my dad... he's a great guy but um my dad... ya know.

"The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. it looks interesting.

I suppose you can't garden with a corpse unless maybe if you used it for bone meal, blood meal and organic matter.

[aummaster.livejournal.com]

I KNEW you would go the fertilizer route with that joke.
Good a morbid sense of humor, not easily offended then. We will get a long fine I think.
If you tell me where you are (being held captive) and how to find you. Name patient number whatever I would need. I doubt they would accept the "I am here to visit the cool gardener chick from LJ" as acceptable identification. I would be willing to make a trip. Being stuck someplace sucks I suspect.