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Aug. 23rd, 2009 03:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transpaoTo You: Gods I wish I could believe that. But I doubt you were talking to me. I knew that story. And I of all people know you to be the story-teller and the dream-weaver, oh and never forget the the lie-wright. How insane it is that I could still hope after a decades gone... well that it could vanish like you. Don't get me wrong I no longer long for you, but I at least admit that there is still part of my very soul that is drawn to you. You gave me something No one else could or has before or since, and I miss that, but the blindness has been tempered with the knowledge that you also gave me pain, and showed me a cruelty few if any could match.
The one thing you gave me that I miss the most was the feeling of absolute invincibility. Gods I need a bit of that now... facing what I have to in the week to come. But I know that's not your job... I just said it would be nice. Almost as nice as the idea of just bolting...
As for the rest of the entry that isn't a response to someone else's...
Dunno if I can face work tomorrow. I'm still sick, and having lost my temper at the end of the day on Friday... I know I'm looking at being written up. I've got a fairly solid defense, at least I think it is, but it's going to take a lot of work. it's going to take facing that harassing mother fucker I call a supervisor and pinning him to the fucking wall. I've got recordings, I've got photos, I've got paper work, and hopefully if all my co-workers don't fucking wus out and the other Sups ps out then I've got other peoples testimonials. It will require I keep going up the chain. I've already left a VM for the Director of Facilities.
Think is I know WHAT to do... The thing is I just don't know that I have the resolve to do it. There is so much of me right now that wishes more than anything I could just never go back, or call and leave a VM saying I quit. Or hell there is part of me that would just rather stop facing EVERYthing right now. The really obnoxious problem is that I know it is only going to get a LOT worse before it gets any better. I'm loosing it... being harassed almost constantly, being told after working my ass off all day long, doing the very friggin best I can do... that I'm not doing my job, especially while I watch other guys clock out in uniforms that look as pristine as they day they were handed to them... Fuck I leave there every day in a uniform that stinks so badly people wont sit next to me on the bus, Every shirt I have is stained to the point it wont come clean... I mean what the fuck do they think I'm doing all day??? sitting in the cart and then Rolling in the dirt and hanging out in a sauna just to get that worked in smell?
I mean I came in a couple hours late the other day because I was sick, but I knew we are short handed and needed me to be there... what happens... I get my "balls" busted because I'm tardy to much... Interesting not is that the policy book says we are ALLOWED THREE tardies in a single month I have had 0 tardys in the month prior to that day, but when I got there I got fussed at.
My sup tells me I'm not finished with a project, I tell him I thought I had and need him to explain/show me what I needed to finish, where upon he YELLS at me to go read his instructions again and then go "LOOK" for what I hadn't finished. SO he YELLS at me, and then yells at me again because I OBVIOUSLY don't understand what he wants me to do and I'm supposed to spend my time "LOOKING" for what it is I'm not doing right when he wont tell me, but he's pissed off and YELLING at me for not completing a job he says I should have completed two days ago.
So I'm a little less than sure why my Sup can YELL at me, Pitch a Fit like 4 YO, but if I ask him not to or to Hold on a minute so I can get my composure, he refuses... but if I act impertinent, raise my voice, use words that I have heard him use at me, have the audacity to show him what I have done for the day when I am accused of doing nothing, Or in any other way loose my cool... I am written up, or disciplined.
Oh for fuck sake I can't deal with this shit anymore....
The one thing you gave me that I miss the most was the feeling of absolute invincibility. Gods I need a bit of that now... facing what I have to in the week to come. But I know that's not your job... I just said it would be nice. Almost as nice as the idea of just bolting...
As for the rest of the entry that isn't a response to someone else's...
Dunno if I can face work tomorrow. I'm still sick, and having lost my temper at the end of the day on Friday... I know I'm looking at being written up. I've got a fairly solid defense, at least I think it is, but it's going to take a lot of work. it's going to take facing that harassing mother fucker I call a supervisor and pinning him to the fucking wall. I've got recordings, I've got photos, I've got paper work, and hopefully if all my co-workers don't fucking wus out and the other Sups ps out then I've got other peoples testimonials. It will require I keep going up the chain. I've already left a VM for the Director of Facilities.
Think is I know WHAT to do... The thing is I just don't know that I have the resolve to do it. There is so much of me right now that wishes more than anything I could just never go back, or call and leave a VM saying I quit. Or hell there is part of me that would just rather stop facing EVERYthing right now. The really obnoxious problem is that I know it is only going to get a LOT worse before it gets any better. I'm loosing it... being harassed almost constantly, being told after working my ass off all day long, doing the very friggin best I can do... that I'm not doing my job, especially while I watch other guys clock out in uniforms that look as pristine as they day they were handed to them... Fuck I leave there every day in a uniform that stinks so badly people wont sit next to me on the bus, Every shirt I have is stained to the point it wont come clean... I mean what the fuck do they think I'm doing all day??? sitting in the cart and then Rolling in the dirt and hanging out in a sauna just to get that worked in smell?
I mean I came in a couple hours late the other day because I was sick, but I knew we are short handed and needed me to be there... what happens... I get my "balls" busted because I'm tardy to much... Interesting not is that the policy book says we are ALLOWED THREE tardies in a single month I have had 0 tardys in the month prior to that day, but when I got there I got fussed at.
My sup tells me I'm not finished with a project, I tell him I thought I had and need him to explain/show me what I needed to finish, where upon he YELLS at me to go read his instructions again and then go "LOOK" for what I hadn't finished. SO he YELLS at me, and then yells at me again because I OBVIOUSLY don't understand what he wants me to do and I'm supposed to spend my time "LOOKING" for what it is I'm not doing right when he wont tell me, but he's pissed off and YELLING at me for not completing a job he says I should have completed two days ago.
So I'm a little less than sure why my Sup can YELL at me, Pitch a Fit like 4 YO, but if I ask him not to or to Hold on a minute so I can get my composure, he refuses... but if I act impertinent, raise my voice, use words that I have heard him use at me, have the audacity to show him what I have done for the day when I am accused of doing nothing, Or in any other way loose my cool... I am written up, or disciplined.
Oh for fuck sake I can't deal with this shit anymore....
