A repeated sin
Dec. 16th, 2002 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transpaoCan you forgive a repeated sin?
The one temptation the one weakness I have haunts me without regaurd to my insanity. I can't make it stop. I'm so aweful. I feel horrible and never before have I regretted it so much.
I fooled around with anotherr taken man. We didn't kiss. I made sure of that. Kissing is to personal. No sex either. Not even oral sex. wondering hands and lips on skin they shouldn't touch is enough to drive me mad though.
This one lesson I can't seem to learn.
Regret and guilt I feel. I do. I swear. I feel it. I felt it with Angel. Hell I felt it with Ila. I felt it with Kris. I felt it with Amber. Gawd, I don't think I have ever admited them all at the same time. Why if I know the guilt... Why if I know the regret. Why Does it not stop before I have these feelings I can't shake and this pit in my stomach.
I said it over and over. I did. I told him. But then again I told Angel. I'm good aat telling them I know I shouldn't. I'm good at making the promise. I suppose I'm dying for them to be the strong one and say "Your right."
Rachel is the best at making me feel horrible about my mistakes. I think my meds have made me better able to not feel guilt as much. Or perhaps it is that the guilt I was used to feeling before was so intense and mind boggling that now the normal guilt roles from my mind and seems barely note worthy. I haven't taken my meds properly. I saw rachel long enough for her to tell me the it is so "Not Cool, Pao!" and Now I feel like crawling into bed and never coming out again.
Angain as with Angel, I am just another in a list of times that they have been unfaithful. But I know now and I cannot deny it as my sin as well.
Perhaps I can say "But I was Drunk!" and perhaps that would satisfy some but it does nothing to put my mind at ease. I still want him. Now! even as I sit here writting about my regret and guilt... I want him.
I wont say it will never happen again. I'm tired of saying that and then falling so short of it. I wont say it this time, and perhaps I can keep it this time. Perhaps the lesson is learned.
The one temptation the one weakness I have haunts me without regaurd to my insanity. I can't make it stop. I'm so aweful. I feel horrible and never before have I regretted it so much.
I fooled around with anotherr taken man. We didn't kiss. I made sure of that. Kissing is to personal. No sex either. Not even oral sex. wondering hands and lips on skin they shouldn't touch is enough to drive me mad though.
This one lesson I can't seem to learn.
Regret and guilt I feel. I do. I swear. I feel it. I felt it with Angel. Hell I felt it with Ila. I felt it with Kris. I felt it with Amber. Gawd, I don't think I have ever admited them all at the same time. Why if I know the guilt... Why if I know the regret. Why Does it not stop before I have these feelings I can't shake and this pit in my stomach.
I said it over and over. I did. I told him. But then again I told Angel. I'm good aat telling them I know I shouldn't. I'm good at making the promise. I suppose I'm dying for them to be the strong one and say "Your right."
Rachel is the best at making me feel horrible about my mistakes. I think my meds have made me better able to not feel guilt as much. Or perhaps it is that the guilt I was used to feeling before was so intense and mind boggling that now the normal guilt roles from my mind and seems barely note worthy. I haven't taken my meds properly. I saw rachel long enough for her to tell me the it is so "Not Cool, Pao!" and Now I feel like crawling into bed and never coming out again.
Angain as with Angel, I am just another in a list of times that they have been unfaithful. But I know now and I cannot deny it as my sin as well.
Perhaps I can say "But I was Drunk!" and perhaps that would satisfy some but it does nothing to put my mind at ease. I still want him. Now! even as I sit here writting about my regret and guilt... I want him.
I wont say it will never happen again. I'm tired of saying that and then falling so short of it. I wont say it this time, and perhaps I can keep it this time. Perhaps the lesson is learned.
