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Apr. 29th, 2022 08:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transpaoSo here I am 5 years on T. Living as male. My Drivers license changed. My passport changed. Top surgery happened in March 2021. My bottom dysphoria is intense and frustrating. Yet when I started persuing it in full I couldn't let go of trying to have a biological kiddo. A lot of it has to do with losing Matt, and the way all that went down. And the other children in my life that always seem to be taken away for idiot reasons, or always have that threat looming. I know having a kid of my own wont bring Matt back. It wont change any of the other storylines either. And even if they are my kid there is always a risk of losing them.
I also really want a chance to raise a child guided with my values. I see so many people having kids that really shouldn't, and conservatives are pumping them out left and right. The people actualy thinking about whether or not they should have children, aren't the folx that are. The queer and trans folx are probably having mor ekids then evver before, but it is still a tiny number to the hate and fearmongers breading little clones.
Lastly I am afraid of dying with no family left. I am the youngest of my family of origon. My parents are becoming elderly. My middle brother has 3 children. I try to stay in touch. I buy presents for Christmas and Birthdays. The thing is with my brother's instance that they can't know about transness and that they must continue to call me Aunt. It makes it difficult to visit or go into public with them. They are confused, I am deeply hurting, I can't explain anything and My brother wont. I love them and hope they all one day come to understand, but the distance and the way they are being raised likely means we will not be close.
MY spouse and I are now divorced. He never came to Colorado. He didn't even communicate to facilitate the divorce. I had to file and push it all on my own. While that makes things harder in some ways, it freed things up in others. I would not have been able to persue parenthood at all if I had stayed in the strange limbo marriage.
Friend relationships in my life have proved tenuious. I find it very difficult to meet others. I seem to be able to strike up surface level friendships, but find few people I am really compatible with long haul. I miss deep and abiding friendships. Friends you can share everything with. Then again a lot of those "friends" I thought I had in the past turned out to not really be. Honestly, I don't really have any friends who are into the geeky stuff I am. I keep trying to get a few of them into things like Pratchett, StarTrek and Dr. Who, but they say they will read or watch and then never do.
Jeez I sound really lonely. I dunno, maybe I am.
I want a reason to celebrate holidays again.
On the other side though there are so so so many reasons not to do this...
I barely make enough to support myself in this rediculously expensive area. I picked a field where it is increasingly likely I will never even reach comfertable. My current boss seems to think I am a twat and I make the least of anyone on my crew even though I have the most experiance. The job is a dead end, but I am scared to death of leaving because of having to come out again or be stealth or figure it all out.
I got lectured already about missing too many days even though I have documentation most of it has been for doctors visits.
The shitty position at work makes it real hard to even think about telling my boss that I wont be able to spray herbicide or do a lot of my job just for 9 months.
I am only out to like 10 people at work. How in the world am I going to deal with being pregnant and a guy?
Being of of testosterone is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. The dysphoria fight is intense. My mental health has tanked. my mood diorder seems to be slowly creeping back in.
A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with my second superficial blood clot most likely due to estrogen. treatment has been put on pause until I can see a hematologist. More wasted cycles.
The already really bothersom breast tissue that was left behind because of the type of top surgery I had has swollen up and makes me look like I have small breasts. The fat has all shifted back to pre-t locations. I have gained weight, and lost all my muscle tone. I am finding it miserable to try and date. How can I posibly expect to attract gay men and straight women when I am so deeply uncomfertable with my body.
I AM SCARED, LIKE UTTERLY terrified of being a solo parent.
I also really want a chance to raise a child guided with my values. I see so many people having kids that really shouldn't, and conservatives are pumping them out left and right. The people actualy thinking about whether or not they should have children, aren't the folx that are. The queer and trans folx are probably having mor ekids then evver before, but it is still a tiny number to the hate and fearmongers breading little clones.
Lastly I am afraid of dying with no family left. I am the youngest of my family of origon. My parents are becoming elderly. My middle brother has 3 children. I try to stay in touch. I buy presents for Christmas and Birthdays. The thing is with my brother's instance that they can't know about transness and that they must continue to call me Aunt. It makes it difficult to visit or go into public with them. They are confused, I am deeply hurting, I can't explain anything and My brother wont. I love them and hope they all one day come to understand, but the distance and the way they are being raised likely means we will not be close.
MY spouse and I are now divorced. He never came to Colorado. He didn't even communicate to facilitate the divorce. I had to file and push it all on my own. While that makes things harder in some ways, it freed things up in others. I would not have been able to persue parenthood at all if I had stayed in the strange limbo marriage.
Friend relationships in my life have proved tenuious. I find it very difficult to meet others. I seem to be able to strike up surface level friendships, but find few people I am really compatible with long haul. I miss deep and abiding friendships. Friends you can share everything with. Then again a lot of those "friends" I thought I had in the past turned out to not really be. Honestly, I don't really have any friends who are into the geeky stuff I am. I keep trying to get a few of them into things like Pratchett, StarTrek and Dr. Who, but they say they will read or watch and then never do.
Jeez I sound really lonely. I dunno, maybe I am.
I want a reason to celebrate holidays again.
On the other side though there are so so so many reasons not to do this...
I barely make enough to support myself in this rediculously expensive area. I picked a field where it is increasingly likely I will never even reach comfertable. My current boss seems to think I am a twat and I make the least of anyone on my crew even though I have the most experiance. The job is a dead end, but I am scared to death of leaving because of having to come out again or be stealth or figure it all out.
I got lectured already about missing too many days even though I have documentation most of it has been for doctors visits.
The shitty position at work makes it real hard to even think about telling my boss that I wont be able to spray herbicide or do a lot of my job just for 9 months.
I am only out to like 10 people at work. How in the world am I going to deal with being pregnant and a guy?
Being of of testosterone is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. The dysphoria fight is intense. My mental health has tanked. my mood diorder seems to be slowly creeping back in.
A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with my second superficial blood clot most likely due to estrogen. treatment has been put on pause until I can see a hematologist. More wasted cycles.
The already really bothersom breast tissue that was left behind because of the type of top surgery I had has swollen up and makes me look like I have small breasts. The fat has all shifted back to pre-t locations. I have gained weight, and lost all my muscle tone. I am finding it miserable to try and date. How can I posibly expect to attract gay men and straight women when I am so deeply uncomfertable with my body.
I AM SCARED, LIKE UTTERLY terrified of being a solo parent.
